the dailymash

As prices continued to yo-yo up and down like a whore's drawers, politicians and business leaders threatened to go in there and knock a few heads together.

Chancellor Alistair Darling said: "I'm all keyed up. I've looked out my recession clothes and I've got my penknife, my torch and my big flask. Let's do this thing."

A spokesman for the Confederation of British Industry, said: "My wife takes less time picking the right hat to wear to the fucking supermarket.

"So far you've been handed £1.2 trillion and, amazingly, no-one has kicked your teeth in. If that's not good enough just say, instead of dropping all these pathetic hints."

He added: "Either go down and stay down, or go up and stay up. Either way, just pick one. I've got plenty of other shit to be getting on with."

But economist Dr Tom Logan insisted: "It won't be long now. We're getting extremely close to what is known, technically, as the 'vinegar strokes' of a recession."