Middle-managers welcome new blame culture detector

OFFICES are to be revolutionised by a device that detects challenge­-averse working practices including blame culture and failure to think out of the box.

The little red light means you're fired

The new handheld machine, developed in the US, bleeps loudly when pointed at non-­proactive employees, departments working in silos or staff who are not alert to potentially cost­-saving synergies.

Brand architect Francesca Johnson said: “Us managers spend our time incentivising colleagues to identify what good looks like, but can find our vital job tough to establish metrics for, and that means trouble from the bean­ counters.

“This gadget means we can sort the team players from the disengaged and show that our away days and workstream management are mission­-critical.”

Marketing executive Susan Traherne said: “This is a nightmare. Anytime my manager says we need to harmonise going forward I switch off and doodle the bloke from True Blood nude.

“I don’t even know what a key deliverable is, let alone how I can stack them up for quick wins with my stakeholders.

“If that machine gets anywhere near my desk it’s going to scream like a punched toddler.”

Disgruntled employees in the US have claimed that the device bleeps, buzzes and lights up entirely at random, and that managers are making up the results to suit themselves.

A spokesman for the manufacturers replied: “These people are nothing but negative ninjas and mood hoovers who need to learn to bring solutions, not problems, to the table.”