Mild criticism ‘worse than murder’, says big business

ED Miliband’s tepid, slightly apologetic, attack on corporate behaviour was ‘worse than actual murder’, according to members of the business community.

The impotent fury of the rather overweight

The unstirring speech – in which Mr Milliband dared to suggest that gargantuan bonuses for indolent bosses should possibly be phased out – has provoked outrage among CEOs, who are calling Milliband ‘as awful as Hitler with hooves’ and the act of making the speech itself ‘worse than strangling a puppy, or perhaps even a little infant’.

Speaking on behalf of a consortium of big businesses, corporate CEO Denys Finch Hatton was vociferous in his condemnation of Milliband’s lettuce-sharp attack.  

He said: “How dare this bomb-throwing Trotskyite firebrand spout such incendiary left-wing rhetoric.

“Tentatively suggesting that corporations should be in some way accountable, or possibly even slightly regulated a bit, is exactly the same as saying that you think the holocaust was a great idea, and that you wish you’d thought of it yourself.

“That Jim-Henson-thing-looking agent provocateur Mr Milliband should have his tongue cut out and eaten by pine martens for even daring to suggest an unregulated business culture might not be the best thing since Nutella, or that reward should possibly be in some way linked to effort.

“Tax-evading and asset stripping are absolutely beneficial to everyone in the world and probably in some way intrinsically linked to the continued survival of the human race.”

The public, however, seemed to take a more relaxed view of Milliband’s speech.

Roy Hobbs, a retired metalworker from Crewe, said: “Considering the things Mr Milliband could have called them, for example ‘a bunch of rapacious, short-sighted life-negating  fuckers who are quite prepared to bring about Armageddon if it means they can add more money to the fucking pile’ or ‘parasitic shitwitted vampire scum who won’t be happy even when there’s a fucking massive enterprise zone on the fucking moon’, he was remarkably restrained.”