M&S about to learn 14 different French words for ‘shit’

MARKS and Spencer is about to discover all the different words the French have for things that are shit.

They will set fire to this

The store is to return to France after a decade in a brave move that includes trying to sell French people what English people think is fancy food.

Retail analyst Julian Cook said: “Marks and Spencer takes great pride in products such as its slow roasted lamb stew with fresh rosemary and marinated parsnip fennels, or their extra gooey, chocolate-coated orgasm sponge.

“But the average French person would look at it and say, ‘yes, that’s all very well, but what the fuck’s it doing in a packet?’.

“‘Why isn’t it being made in a kitchen by a man or woman who has known how to make it since they were three?’.”

He added: “I suspect their new Simply Food store will attract mainly American tourists who are only visiting France so they can call everyone a coward.

“And of course the Parisians do love their dogs so if Marks and Spencer is lucky they’ll mistake it for some kind of mid-market pet food store.”

Holding an M&S pre-cooked beef bourguignon between his fingers like it was a radioactive tarantula, Jean-Pierre Lafarge, a truck driver from Toulouse, said: “Just because Dervla Kirwan sounds like she wants to shove it up her vagina doesn’t actually mean that it’s any good.

“Frankly, I wouldn’t push this into a goose.”