New Discount Card Offers Bargains For Sluts

A NEW 'sluts only' discount card is offering impressionable, sexually promiscuous women money off everything from drinks to scientific equipment.

£10 off at Waitrose and two for one on Zovirax

The Slutcard is available to women in exchange for £25, an independently-verified sexual history of at least 208 partners and six explicit photographs accompanied with a signed release form.

Slutcard founder Tom Logan said: "Our card enables slatternly women to get generous discounts on the things they like, from lower back tattoos and glass-heeled shoes to National Trust membership, without having to suck anyone off.

"We've been able to negotiate these great retailer discounts as ladies with low self-esteem are the biggest-spending demographic after self-loathing closeted gay men, probably because their lives are a constant quest for the fleeting sensual gratification that momentarily obscures the inner emptiness caused by deep-seated unresolved psychological issues.

"Or to put it another way, because they just love to party."

Easy lay Emma Bradford said: "It's really great, I just got a tenner off my subscription to New Scientist simply by quoting my unique 'Whore number' down the phone.

"I'm saving so much money I probably won't even have to sell the secretly-filmed footage my much older boyfriend shot of me having a three-way with some Division Two footballers."

Aspiring Nuts model Nikki Hollis said: "Getting a Slutcard is the best thing that's happened to me since I got my tits signed by Ben Dover at a car magazine event in Weston-Super-Mare in front of two thousand drunk, horny teenage boys.

"It really is a boon."