Online coupons saving Britons £5bn on things they don’t want

SIX in ten Britons regularly use internet coupons to spend less money on things that have absolutely no value.

New figures from the Institute for Studies show that last year Britain saved £5.3 billion on unthinking purchases of undesirable commodities like vibrational leg massage sessions, sexy dog portraits and meals in depressing hotel restaurants full of people having doomed affairs.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “These websites have a kind of strange allure that makes seemingly sane people spend actual money on ‘falconry experiences’ occurring 450 miles from where they live.

“Let me explain the psychology at work here. Imagine I offered you a sun-hardened dog turd, for free. Chances are you’d turn it down.

“But if I told you the sun-hardened dog turd was worth £800 but was magically available to you for £600 because the snotty hanky in your pocket is a magic token, you’d gladly purchase it and then scurry off with your prize before I come to my senses and shout ‘bring that valuable dogshit back, I’ve made a terrible mistake’.”

Nikki Hollis, from Peterborough, said: “Online vouchers offer me totally genuine savings. I know this because the people offering them are companies. And companies can’t lie. My sister saw a programme about it.”

She added: “And before you get smart, the word ‘gullible’ is in the dictionary. However I have it on good authority that the word ‘dictionary’ isn’t. They left it out because it would have been too weird.”