Osborne unveils emergency sofa
CHANCELLOR George Osborne has released an utterly irresistible sofa in fawn leather with matching corner group.
Conquistador is a high quality corner group settee offering absurd levels of comfort that will match any colour scheme and even looks good outdoors, created by the state to restore appealingness to ailing shops.
It was designed by an elite team of furniture experts assembled under the banner of Operation Lamprey, a secret project to create something so lovely that reticent consumers will be unable to resist it.
Launching Conquistador, Mr Osborne said: “In these challenging periods when even the bovine, stuff-hunger of the masses can no longer be relied upon, it becomes a government’s duty to step in with something absolutely sensational.”
Reclining on the settee, he added: “It’s the detail that really gets me. Look how robust the stitching is.
“And as for the accompanying pouffe. Well. It’s like having one’s feet suspended in the air by some sort of invisible hand.
“I’ve already bought a Conquistador for each room of my various homes and am looking forward to chilling out on it at the end of a long day, sipping a hot drink and reading an undemanding paperback while the cushions mould themselves to my contours.
“In the unlikely event that you don’t already want to buy one, our glorious high streets will degrade into smouldering pits whose only purpose is to host massive drunken brawls between unemployed men in bad shirts.”
Consumer Tom Logan said: “When you see a sweet-looking sofa like this, you realise that living within your means is completely untenable.
“Sign me up for whatever extortionate monthly price plan you so desire, and we’ll let the Samaritans do the emotional heavy lifting at a later date.”