the dailymash

As the Harry Potter author launched The Tales of Beedle the Bard, rivals insisted Rowling's lust for fame would not be satisfied until all the books in all the bookshops in all the world were hers and hers alone.

In a desperate bid to delay the next Potter-based cash machine, Nobel Prize winner Seamus Heaney broke into Rowling's Edinburgh home, smashing her computer keyboard, breaking all her pencils and using her A4 writing pads as toilet paper.

Angry-looking Scotswoman AL Kennedy said: "I spend 12 hours a day writing difficult novels about the intangible nature of loss and the hollowness of betrayal, but somehow she winds up with all the money."

Lesbian feminist Jeanette Winterson added: "The proceeds from this one go to help vulnerable children in eastern Europe. What sort of fucking chance does that give us?"

Critics were last night divided over the latest Potterisation. Stephen Malley of the Daily Telegraph hailed it as the 'best selling book this year' while Tom Logan at the Guardian said the book left him 'overwhelmed by the stench of stale urine'.

Potter-addict Julian Cook, 44, said: "It's a book of wizarding fairy stories given to Emily Watson by Robbie Coltrane - or possibly Alan Rickman - containing clues which help the lad with the glasses to destroy Ralph Fiennes. To be honest I prefer the films."