BRITAIN'S workers have returned to staring purposefully at their screens for eight hours.
EMPLOYEES of Sports Direct were encouraged to believe the outside world was a toxic wasteland in which they would quickly perish.
JOHN Lewis staff will tell customers how they achieve sexual bliss, in a bid to boost Christmas sales.
THE price of petrol has plunged to less than six times the price of the oil it comes from for the first time in a decade.
A MAN is hoping to raise enough money to buy himself a pint in Covent Garden.
ALL work done on Friday afternoon is to be replaced by an art class or physical exercise.
HOUSE prices are rising so fast that home ownership is only possible in shitholes, say experts.
THE price of any item reduced on Black Friday is whatever it says on the label plus your very soul, retailers have agreed.