RUPERT Murdoch is to use Twitter to share his everyday, random thoughts about controlling everything in the world.
BRITAIN is Goldman Sach's bitch and Goldman Sach's bitch better have its money, it has been confirmed.
THE failure of the Royal Bank of Scotland was caused by bad decisions rather than the ghost of a Border collie, it has emerged.
THE Lord of Darkness does not appear in any of the leaked private photos of Mark Zuckerberg.
THE new Muppet movie is stoking children's desire for even more cheaply made plastic things, it has been confirmed.
BASTARD factory HSBC has been fined £40m by the Financial Services Authority for failing to ransack old people's bedrooms.
THE global economy should be started again from scratch and everyone given £5,000 each, Mervyn King has claimed.
BILLIONAIRE embryo Mark Zuckerberg has expressed shock that his school project website hasn't broken yet.