Business

Banks admit they have not done anything legal since 1978

BRITAIN’S banks are in their 36th year of unbroken criminality, it has been confirmed.

Phone shop workers not really gurus or geniuses

SPOTTY 19-year-olds who know a bit about smartphones should have more appropriate job titles, it has been claimed.

Aldi openly targets middle class people who are in the shit

DISCOUNT supermarket Aldi has launched a new marketing campaign aimed at middle class people who have fallen on hard times.

Investigation ordered into Gringotts Wizarding Bank

BRITAIN’S top wizarding bank may be broken up after the Ministry of Magic ordered a wide-ranging investigation into its activities.

Engineers warn ‘Cheesegrater’ building may be full of capitalist sociopaths

A LANDMARK office building in the City of London could be full of people who are basically werewolves, it has emerged.

93 per cent of Waterstones staff have neckbeard

STAFF in high street book chain Waterstones have an unusually high incidence of neckbeard, it has emerged.

Britain hoping for bumper Tower of London opium crop

BRITAIN is pinning its economic hopes on a record haul of grade-A heroin from the Tower of London.

We know ten per cent is bugger all, customers tell shops

SHOPPERS have told retailers that a ten per cent discount is worthless so they may as well stop pretending otherwise.