Business

Smug bitcoin bastards must get their comeuppance before New Year, demands Britain

THE UK has demanded that all the smug bastards who own bitcoin lose their entire investment before Christmas. 

Office brainstorming session produces nothing but evil thoughts

A GATHERING of workers to generate business ideas only produced dark and twisted visions, it has emerged.

A guide to Bitcoin: The amazing investment based on dream gold invented by a wizard

A FAT man lounging in an Essex hot tub has made enough money from bitcoin in the last three weeks to retire. Now it’s your turn.

Train company bosses instantly agree fares hike then wonder how to pad out rest of meeting

RAIL company bosses are wondering how to spend the rest of their meeting after instantly agreeing to hike prices.

Britain basically knocks off for Christmas

BRITAIN has confirmed it is knocking off because it is now Christmas.

Wetherspoon drinkers demand earlier opening hours

WETHERSPOON customers are demanding that the pub chain opens its doors at five in the morning.

'Limited edition' products guaranteed to attract twats

ANYTHING ‘limited edition’, whether a sports car or a Snickers, attracts the high-spending twat demographic like moths to a flame, marketers have confirmed.

House prices increase by precisely the amount of stamp duty cut

THE price of homes for first-time buyers has gone up by exactly what they are set to save after yesterday’s cut in stamp duty.