Everything on Black Friday costs your soul

THE price of any item reduced on Black Friday is whatever it says on the label plus your very soul, retailers have agreed.

'We earn £190K a year. Should we sell a child so we can buy another flat?'

The sheer cost of middle-class life in London means they can only afford one large house and one buy-to-let flat.

Man in suit feeling pretty f**king special

A MAN wearing a business suit feels purposeful as f*ck, it has been confirmed.

Peeping Tom on moon given telescope

A PERVERTED old man living in a crater on the moon is given a telescope to spy on couples having sex in John Lewis’s Christmas advert.

Nativity rewritten to include promotional Coke lorry

THE story of Jesus’s birth now includes a large red lorry with corporate branding, it has been confirmed.

Lidl Christmas advert shows argument in drink aisle

LIDL has unveiled its Christmas advert about a husband attempting to justify the purchase of thirty cans of bitter.

Employers discriminate against job candidates who smell of alcohol

JOB interviewees who smell of stale alcohol are considerably less likely to be hired, it has emerged.

Candy Crush bought for $5.9 billion by seven-year-old on iPad

THE maker of Candy Crush Saga has been bought for $5.9 billion by a child whose parents forgot to disable in-app purchases.