BRITAIN is pinning its economic hopes on a record haul of grade-A heroin from the Tower of London.
SHOPPERS have told retailers that a ten per cent discount is worthless so they may as well stop pretending otherwise.
A SUCCESSFUL City banker has asked everyone to stop suggesting he secretly has a heart of gold.
BURGER chain McDonald’s has a new slogan emphasising that at least its product is unpretentious.
LLOYDS staff have complained that being ‘digitised’ merely involves being sacked rather than blasted into a thrilling video game world.
NORTHERN rail commuters have admitted that they have no real need to go anywhere very fast.
ANY business which claims to be successful is covering up a huge hole in its accounts, analysts have confirmed.
ANYONE asked to undertake unpaid work can exchange Facebook ‘likes’ for food under a new government initiative.