Business

Apple tells ugly people to stick with PCs

BOUTIQUE computer giant Apple will no longer be selling its machines to the ugly, it has been confirmed.

L'Oreal disappointed at ban on fraud

COSMETICS giant L'Oreal has admitted its disappointment at not being allowed to commit fraud.

Economy grows by 12% after Prince Andrew stops helping

THE UK economy has immediately grown by 12% after Prince Andrew agreed to leave it alone.

MPs 'may have been misled' by arse-covering lounge lizard

A PARLIAMENTARY committee may have been misled by an unctuous corporate sleaze-ball who was there for the sole reason of covering his sorry arse.

Postmen leaving increasingly passive-aggressive notes

ROYAL Mail 'while you were out' notes are developing a snide undercurrent, it has emerged.

Murdochs know far less about News International than you do

YOU know considerably more about News International than Rupert Murdoch and his son James, it has been confirmed.

Britain switches to burning energy company executives

CASH-STRAPPED Britons have announced plans to heat their homes by incinerating energy bosses.

Rebekah Brooks must know some serious shit

REBEKAH Brooks is clearly keeping the Murdochs out of jail, it has emerged.