Business

Barclays bonuses don't fall by 33% 'because that's not how it works'

BONUSES at Barclays will rise despite a fall in profits because that is just how the whole thing actually works, the bank has explained.

Last-minute US deal prevents certain death of everybody in world

THE violent death of every human being was prevented last night after some American politicians agreed to get some more money.

BSkyB changes logo to middle finger

BSKYB is to change its corporate logo to a manicured hand flipping off the whole world.

Apple tells ugly people to stick with PCs

BOUTIQUE computer giant Apple will no longer be selling its machines to the ugly, it has been confirmed.

L'Oreal disappointed at ban on fraud

COSMETICS giant L'Oreal has admitted its disappointment at not being allowed to commit fraud.

Economy grows by 12% after Prince Andrew stops helping

THE UK economy has immediately grown by 12% after Prince Andrew agreed to leave it alone.

MPs 'may have been misled' by arse-covering lounge lizard

A PARLIAMENTARY committee may have been misled by an unctuous corporate sleaze-ball who was there for the sole reason of covering his sorry arse.

Postmen leaving increasingly passive-aggressive notes

ROYAL Mail 'while you were out' notes are developing a snide undercurrent, it has emerged.