AS FREEZING weather and icy roads threatened to leave Britain without Christmas presents, people across the country insisted it didn't matter in a series of putrid, stinking lies.
THE latest fashions are trendier than ever and look set to be the in-thing, experts have confirmed.
MALE employees are being retrained to see breasts as malevolent orbs of terror.
WITH the rental sector booming, letting agents are set to topple estate agents as Britain's leading bunch of tick-like scumbags.
SIR Alan Sugar is to task the remaining Apprentice contestants with making Ireland's economy less cock-shaped.
BELEAGURED airline Qantas is hoping to end its ongoing Gremlin problems after announcing formal talks with the diminutive, mischief-oriented creatures.
SOMEONE from British Gas will be round this afternoon to shoot your dog in the face, it has been confirmed.