Business

Hayward To Get About 12 Lives Back

BP chief Tony Hayward will finally get his life back today, as well as the average earnings of at least 12 other lives.

You Really Don't Want Us To Show The Actual Burger, Says Burger King

BURGER King last night stressed there is a very good reason why its advertising campaigns do not show the actual burgers.

Dumped Woman In Bid To Corner Global Cocoa Market

GLOBAL cocoa prices have increased sharply after 28 year-old PA Nikki Hollis was dumped by her long-term boyfriend.

Tesco To Sandwichalise Anything

SUPERMARKET giant Tesco is offering a sandwichalisation service, giving customers the chance to place any form of matter between two slices of bread.

O'Leary Apologises To Leprechauns For Stealing Their Gold

RYANAIR chief executive Michael O'Leary has asked the little people of Ireland to forgive him for stealing their precious gold.

Jedward Turned Into Subway Filling

TRAGIC pop accident Jedward is to be eaten in a bap as part of a special offer meal deal at Subway.

Happiness Finally Available In Department Stores

AFTER a lengthy period of product development, Happiness hit the shelves of major stores today, priced £12.99.

Ikea Using Gas That Makes You Forget Your Last Visit

FURNITURE giant Ikea is using memory-wiping gas to make customers forget how awful their visit has been, it was claimed yesterday.