Business

Will Chocolate Buttons Taste Like Shit? Asks Britain

FEARS were growing today that chocolate buttons are inevitably going to end up tasting like shit.

Up To One Million Households Using Sex To Pay Mortgage

A GROWING number of UK householders are performing sex acts on lenders in lieu of mortgage payments, according to a new survey.

Annual Increase In House-Related TV Awfulness

TV property shows rose by 1.8% last year as the easing of the credit crunch helped bring forward a second series of Dreadful Middle Class Bastards.

New Discount Card Offers Bargains For Sluts

A NEW 'sluts only' discount card is offering impressionable, sexually promiscuous women money off everything from drinks to scientific equipment.

Google Phone To Replace Human Soul

GOOGLE'S new Nexus One mobile phone will be the first device of its kind to replace the human soul, the company claimed last night.

Media Demand New Words For 'Snow'

THE National Union of Journalists last night demanded at least 12 new words for snow.

Airline Collapse Leaves Travellers Stranded On Dinosaur Island

THE collapse of budget airline Flyglobespan has left hundreds of passengers marooned on a remote island populated by dinosaurs and cannibals.

Twiggy Is 300 Years Old, Admits Oil Of Olay

TWIGGY is a 300 year-old Bulgarian woman, Oil of Olay admitted last night.