Business

O'Leary Apologises To Leprechauns For Stealing Their Gold

RYANAIR chief executive Michael O'Leary has asked the little people of Ireland to forgive him for stealing their precious gold.

Jedward Turned Into Subway Filling

TRAGIC pop accident Jedward is to be eaten in a bap as part of a special offer meal deal at Subway.

Happiness Finally Available In Department Stores

AFTER a lengthy period of product development, Happiness hit the shelves of major stores today, priced £12.99.

Ikea Using Gas That Makes You Forget Your Last Visit

FURNITURE giant Ikea is using memory-wiping gas to make customers forget how awful their visit has been, it was claimed yesterday.

Microsoft Unveils Xbox That Plays Itself

THE new Xbox allows gamers to reclaim their lives by playing itself, it was revealed last night.

BP Execs Look At Massive Oil Slick, Then At Each Other

BP executives are today standing on the Louisiana shoreline, looking at each other with furrowed brows and occasionally skimming a pebble across the oily water, it has been confirmed.

Tardy Shoppers Slaughtered By Minotaur

SUPERMARKET giant Tesco claims to have solved the problem of late shoppers by letting Minotaurs loose at 9.50pm.

Thomas Cook Sacrifices Redknapps To Volcano God

TRAVEL operator Thomas Cook was last night forced to offer up Jamie and Louise Redknapp to an angry volcano god.