Business

Yes, Ethel Austin Was Still Going, Say Administrators

ADMINISTRATORS were last night called in to retail chain Ethel Austin, as thousands insisted it definitely went out of business no later than 1961.

Toyota Urged To Leave Sting's Prius Alone

TOYOTA was last night urged to fix the brakes on more than 250,000 Prius hybrids as quickly as possible, except Sting's.

Fairytale Comes True As Skank Marries Cage Fighter

IT is every little girl's dream - to carve out a career as a fake-breasted, professional skank and then marry her perfect cage fighter in a Las Vegas casino.

Heathrow Staff To Giggle At Your Tiny Penis

SECURITY staff at Heathrow airport are today preparing to snigger uncontrollably at your small, sad penis.

Asda Welcomes Shoeless, Pyjama-Wearing Freaks

SUPERMARKET chain Asda is targeting its Spring campaign at the shambling underclass looking for bargains in their nightclothes.

Shiny thing make it all better

NEW shiny thing make everything all better, say clever science man yesterday.

UK Economy Grows By Fifteen Pence

BRITAIN emerged from recession today as the economy grew by 15p.

Cash-For-Gold Companies A Rip-Off, Says Leprechaun

A LEPRECHAUN has labelled TV cash-for-gold companies a 'rip-off' after receiving just £12.94 for his entire pot.