Lord Ashcroft To Buy Belgium Instead

TORY donor Lord Ashcroft has abandoned his plans to buy Britain and is now switching his attention to Belgium, it was confirmed last night.

Asda Guarantees Its Customers Will Be Uglier Than You

SUPERMARKET giant Asda has launched a new campaign pledging to maintain the least attractive customer base in Britain.

Ryanair To Follow Passengers Home And Wait Outside Their House

RYANAIR has agreed to pay compensation to stranded volcano passengers but said it was also going to follow them home and wait outside their house.

Goldman Sachs 'Did Not Have Magic Beans'

MERCHANT bank Goldman Sachs has not been using magic beans to generate its multi-billion dollar profits, it was claimed last night.

Workers 'Need More Pretend Training With Overpaid Bullshit Merchants'

WORKERS are being asked to attend more pretend training sessions in a bid to increase the amount of bullshit there is.

Ryanair Passengers Pay Extra £10 Not To Be Blown Out Of The Sky

RAF fighter jets are being scrambled on a regular basis as part of a Ryanair scheme to make passengers pay a £10 surcharge for not being killed.

O'Leary, Warns Ba Boss

BRITISH Airlines staff have been told that Michael O’Leary will be made their new chief executive unless they call off their strike action.

Mclaren Launch Supercar For The Arse On A Budget

FORMULA 1 manufacturer Mclaren has unveiled a budget supercar targeted at the insecure arse with only £150,000 to waste.