A GROWING number of UK householders are performing sex acts on lenders in lieu of mortgage payments, according to a new survey.
TV property shows rose by 1.8% last year as the easing of the credit crunch helped bring forward a second series of Dreadful Middle Class Bastards.
A NEW 'sluts only' discount card is offering impressionable, sexually promiscuous women money off everything from drinks to scientific equipment.
THE National Union of Journalists last night demanded at least 12 new words for snow.
THE collapse of budget airline Flyglobespan has left hundreds of passengers marooned on a remote island populated by dinosaurs and cannibals.
TWIGGY is a 300 year-old Bulgarian woman, Oil of Olay admitted last night.
SUPERMARKET giant Tesco has confirmed it will sell the Apple iPhone, thus creating the twin colossi of rampaging evil as foretold by scripture.