Business

David Hasselhoff's Mind To Become Theme Park

FORMER Baywatch star David Hasselhoff's psyche is set to become a multi-million dollar tourist attraction, with rides, cafes and high strangeness.

Are You Scared Yet? Bankers Ask Britain

BRITAIN'S bankers last night wanted to know if you were scared yet amid mounting evidence that they will get exactly what they want, all the time.

Werewolves Win Right To Tear Your Head Off

BRITAIN'S werewolves today won the right to tear your head off, rip open your chest and hungrily devour your still-beating heart.

Brown To Sell Your Fat To L'Oreal

GORDON Brown is to slash Britain's budget deficit by sucking the fat from your body and selling it to soap companies.

Tesco Budget Turkeys Actually Spaniels

SUPERMARKET giant Tesco was under pressure last night after it emerged its half-price turkeys are actually spaniels.

M&S Advert Offensive To Everyone

ADVERTISING watchdogs are to investigate claims that Marks and Spencer's Christmas advert is offensive to everyone.

I Will Buy You And Make You Part Of My Giant Chess Set, Warns Ex-RBS Chief

FORMER RBS chairman Sir George Mathewson last night hinted that anyone attempting to regulate City bonuses may find themselves part of the human chess set at his Highland estate.

God Is A Banker

GOD has revealed himself to be the head of Goldman Sachs, and that the real purpose of human existence is to get extraordinarily rich by 40 and buy yourself an island.