Business
Lloyds Chief Spitting Cake Everywhere
LLOYDS TSB chief executive Eric Daniels was last night urged not to speak until he had swallowed all the cake in his mouth.
Banks Told To Stop Being So Obsessed With Money
THE government last night urged Britain's leading mortgage lenders to relax and stop thinking about money all the time.
Markets Urged To Make Their Fucking Minds Up
GLOBAL stockmarkets were last night urged to stop dicking about and make their fucking minds up.
Kebab Smell Really Is Corpses
THE corpse-like odour that emanates from kebab shops was last night revealed to be corpses.
Government Takes 60% Stake In Al-Qaeda
TAXPAYERS are to spend more than £30bn buying a majority stake in Al-Qaeda after the House of Lords threw out a key plank of the government's anti-terror legislation.
Does Alistair Darling Have What It Takes To Run Seventeen Banks At Once?
CHANCELLOR Alistair Darling was said to be nervous and excited last night after being told he would have to run 17 banks at the same time.
Banks To Lend You Your Own Money
THE government is to invest £500bn of your money in British banks so they can lend it back to you with interest.
Market Suffers Biggest Ever Blah, Blah, Blah
WITH monotonous predictability the world's stockmarkets yesterday did yet another record breaking thing, apparently.