Business

Boost to recovery as everything becomes much more expensive

BRITAIN was well on the road to economic recovery today after the government made everything less affordable.

No work done since last Tuesday

BRITAIN'S workers have long since stopped doing anything remotely productive, it emerged last night.

Foreigners to replace Queen's head with Jordan's fandango

THE iconic Machin Head portrait of the Queen could be replaced on stamps by Katie Price's steam-cleaned vagina if some foreigners buy the Post Office, it has been confirmed.

Snow-bound Britain pretending presents don't matter

AS FREEZING weather and icy roads threatened to leave Britain without Christmas presents, people across the country insisted it didn't matter in a series of putrid, stinking lies.

Trends more fashionable than ever

THE latest fashions are trendier than ever and look set to be the in-thing, experts have confirmed.

EU Google Probe To Be Based Entirely On Google Searches

THE EU investigation into Google will involve doing lots of Google searches to find out things about Google.

Men Retrained To See Breasts As Bad Things

MALE employees are being retrained to see breasts as malevolent orbs of terror.

Letting agents to out-bastard estate agents

WITH the rental sector booming, letting agents are set to topple estate agents as Britain's leading bunch of tick-like scumbags.