Business

Can I Have My Sixteen Quid Now? Everyone Asks RBS

AS the Royal Bank of Scotland unveiled half-year profits of £1.14bn, everyone in Britain said they would like their share today please thank you.

New Bank Pledges To Openly Despise Its Customers

BRITAIN'S newest high street bank has promised not to pretend to be your friend.

British Gas Calls For Increase In State Pension

THOUSANDS of old people are still dying from hypothermia because the price of gas is too high, British Gas has claimed.

Some People Getting The Broadband Speed They Pay For

A FEW people in Britain are still getting the broadband speed that was in the advert, according to new research.

Hayward To Get About 12 Lives Back

BP chief Tony Hayward will finally get his life back today, as well as the average earnings of at least 12 other lives.

You Really Don't Want Us To Show The Actual Burger, Says Burger King

BURGER King last night stressed there is a very good reason why its advertising campaigns do not show the actual burgers.

Dumped Woman In Bid To Corner Global Cocoa Market

GLOBAL cocoa prices have increased sharply after 28 year-old PA Nikki Hollis was dumped by her long-term boyfriend.

Tesco To Sandwichalise Anything

SUPERMARKET giant Tesco is offering a sandwichalisation service, giving customers the chance to place any form of matter between two slices of bread.