Business

File-Share Crackdown 'Breaches Fundamental Right To Steal'

PLANS to cut-off the internet connections of people who share films and music have been branded an attack on the basic right to steal other people's property.

Jobless Now Just Eight Years Away From Next Job

THE number of years Britain's unemployed will have to wait for their next job has been slashed from nine to eight, after an unexpected surge in business confidence.

Yorkshire Ripper To Dig For Oil

YORKSHIRE Ripper Peter Sutcliffe has begun digging for oil beneath his Broadmoor cell in the hope of bribing the authorities into letting him go.

Passengers To Pay Less For Trains That Don't Turn Up

RAIL firms will charge less for non-existent trains in 2010, offering better value for services their customers don't receive.

Mandelson Pledges To Support Geffen Yacht Dream

LORD Mandelson has promised tough action on illegal downloaders in a bid to help close friend David Geffen achieve his dream of owning the world's four biggest yachts.

Mandelson Sells Country To Chinese Gangsters

LORD Mandelson has sold Britain to some Chinese gangsters in exchange for a fabulous London townhouse, it emerged last night.

Bankers Get Another £50 Billion To Rub Against Their Genitals

BRITAIN'S bankers were last night handed another £50bn in crisp notes to rub all over their naked, trembling bodies.

Bank Anger Profit Bonus In Fatcat Fury Shame

FURIOUS fatcat taxpayer money bonus and angry meltdown shame greed, it emerged today.