Business

Small firms urged to sell stuff to bankers

SMALL businesses across Britain could increase their profits by selling loads of stuff to rich bankers, it has emerged.

We spend £2.5bn getting our balls fluffed, say bank chiefs

THE increase in the bank levy could force senior bankers to cut back on luxury ball-fluffing, it has emerged.

Bankers blame capitalism for their arrogance

BANKERS have blamed the capitalist system for thinking they are better than everyone.

Oldham buys miracle health tonic

PURVEYORS of miracle health tonics and herbal hair loss remedies have compared Oldham to a 21st Century gold rush.

Boost to recovery as everything becomes much more expensive

BRITAIN was well on the road to economic recovery today after the government made everything less affordable.

No work done since last Tuesday

BRITAIN'S workers have long since stopped doing anything remotely productive, it emerged last night.

Foreigners to replace Queen's head with Jordan's fandango

THE iconic Machin Head portrait of the Queen could be replaced on stamps by Katie Price's steam-cleaned vagina if some foreigners buy the Post Office, it has been confirmed.

Snow-bound Britain pretending presents don't matter

AS FREEZING weather and icy roads threatened to leave Britain without Christmas presents, people across the country insisted it didn't matter in a series of putrid, stinking lies.