BP Execs Look At Massive Oil Slick, Then At Each Other

BP executives are today standing on the Louisiana shoreline, looking at each other with furrowed brows and occasionally skimming a pebble across the oily water, it has been confirmed.

Tardy Shoppers Slaughtered By Minotaur

SUPERMARKET giant Tesco claims to have solved the problem of late shoppers by letting Minotaurs loose at 9.50pm.

Thomas Cook Sacrifices Redknapps To Volcano God

TRAVEL operator Thomas Cook was last night forced to offer up Jamie and Louise Redknapp to an angry volcano god.

Dead Office Staff Costing Millions, Say Experts

THE soaring number of office workers who choose to die at their desks is costing the UK economy £2.6bn a year, according to a new report.

Sales Of L115-A3 Sniper Rifles Soar

SALES of the British-built L115A3 long-range sniper rifle have risen by almost 250% in a single week, it emerged last night.

Lord Ashcroft To Buy Belgium Instead

TORY donor Lord Ashcroft has abandoned his plans to buy Britain and is now switching his attention to Belgium, it was confirmed last night.

Asda Guarantees Its Customers Will Be Uglier Than You

SUPERMARKET giant Asda has launched a new campaign pledging to maintain the least attractive customer base in Britain.

Ryanair To Follow Passengers Home And Wait Outside Their House

RYANAIR has agreed to pay compensation to stranded volcano passengers but said it was also going to follow them home and wait outside their house.