Pathetic, Inadequate Banking Regulations Not To Blame, Says Darling

THE near collapse of the UK banking system had nothing to do with the piece-of-shit regulations that govern it, chancellor Alistair Darling will claim today.

Ba Offers Free Adventure Holidays At Airports

BRITISH Airways is giving UK tourists the chance of a free adventure holiday performing menial unpaid tasks at Heathrow's terminal five.

Mash Radio: Britain To Become Bucket-Based Economy

BRITAIN is well on its way to becoming a largely bucket- based economy, it was claimed last night. Press 'play' to get the Daily Mash right in your ears.

Waterboarding Comes To Center Parcs

CENTER Parcs, the market leading holiday resort company, has added waterboarding to its list of family-focused leisure activities.

Mash Radio: First Apprentice To Sell An Emailer Wins, Says Sugar

THE first contestant who manages to sell an Amstrad Emailer will win The Apprentice, Sir Alan Sugar said last night. Click the 'play' button to hear Mash Radio...

Skips And Alleyways To Be Hit By London Mail Strike

A POSTAL strike across London could leave the capital's skips and alleyways with dangerously low levels of discarded mail, it was claimed last night.

Santander To Place Bow Tie On Turd

SPANISH banking giant Santander is to dress up its UK subsidiaries with a series of jolly, bright red bow ties, it was confirmed last night.

Neglected Bankers Plot Spider Attack On Blind Kids

BANKERS are planning to post every blind child in the UK a poisonous tropical spider in a bid to reclaim their position as Britain's purest form of scum.