I Will Buy You And Make You Part Of My Giant Chess Set, Warns Ex-RBS Chief

FORMER RBS chairman Sir George Mathewson last night hinted that anyone attempting to regulate City bonuses may find themselves part of the human chess set at his Highland estate.

God Is A Banker

GOD has revealed himself to be the head of Goldman Sachs, and that the real purpose of human existence is to get extraordinarily rich by 40 and buy yourself an island.

Bosses quite happy with levels of workplace stress

COMPANY bosses have welcomed a new survey showing employees are experiencing exactly the right levels of stress to keeping them working like mules.

Banks to be broken up into kittens

ROYAL Bank of Scotland, Lloyds and Northern Rock are to be broken up into lovely little kittens that would not hurt a fly, it emerged last night.

Rodent Infested KFC Sued For Animal Cruelty

FAST food chain KFC is to be sued for animal cruelty after a swarm of mice was poisoned by a deluxe boneless box at its Leicester Square branch.

Medium-Sized Potato Tops Christmas Toy Charts

A MEDIUM-sized King Edward potato is 2009's most popular Christmas toy among recession-hit parents.

Credit Card Firms Told To Stop Leaving Horses' Heads Everywhere

CREDIT card firms are facing a crackdown on practices such as leaving a horse's head at the bottom of your bed or killing you and then stuffing you in an oil drum.

Banks Call For Mervyn King To Be Broken Up

BRITAIN'S biggest banks last night called for Mervyn King to be broken up into lots of little bits.