Honda Jazz Filled With Scorpions

CAR giant Honda last night confirmed that its Jazz supermini hatchback is full of deadly scorpions.

Labour Bottles The Taste Of Failure

THE Labour Party has combined the essence of disappointment, inertia and broken promises in a unique sauce that voters can add to their food.

Yes, Ethel Austin Was Still Going, Say Administrators

ADMINISTRATORS were last night called in to retail chain Ethel Austin, as thousands insisted it definitely went out of business no later than 1961.

Toyota Urged To Leave Sting's Prius Alone

TOYOTA was last night urged to fix the brakes on more than 250,000 Prius hybrids as quickly as possible, except Sting's.

Fairytale Comes True As Skank Marries Cage Fighter

IT is every little girl's dream - to carve out a career as a fake-breasted, professional skank and then marry her perfect cage fighter in a Las Vegas casino.

Heathrow Staff To Giggle At Your Tiny Penis

SECURITY staff at Heathrow airport are today preparing to snigger uncontrollably at your small, sad penis.

Asda Welcomes Shoeless, Pyjama-Wearing Freaks

SUPERMARKET chain Asda is targeting its Spring campaign at the shambling underclass looking for bargains in their nightclothes.

Shiny thing make it all better

NEW shiny thing make everything all better, say clever science man yesterday.