Business

Jaguar To Keep Making Cars No-One Can Afford

THE government is lining up a multi-billion pound bail-out for Jaguar so it can keep making absurdly expensive cars that do 12 yards to the gallon.

Barclay Brothers To Move Private Island To Maldives

THE billionaire Barclay twins are to move their private island from the Channel Islands to the Maldives due to a combination of being in a huff and tax reasons.

UK To Boycott All German Goods, Except Cars, Beer, Kitchen Appliances, Adidas And Kinder Surprise

UK consumers last night pledged to buy British, unless there was an obviously superior German alternative.

Woolworths Filled To The Rafters With Crap After All

BRITAIN'S sentimental attachment to Woolworths evaporated rapidly yesterday as millions of bargain hunters discovered it really is a brightly lit warehouse filled with cack.

You Are No Better Than A Frenchman, Markets Tell Britain

THE people of Britain may as well sit round all day leering at women and eating pigs' testicles, the international currency markets said last night.

Other Authors Tell Rowling To Piss Off

JK Rowling was last night told to 'just piss off' by a group of fellow writers hoping to sell some books this Christmas.

Nationalised Banks To Pay Government Fines With Taxpayers' Money

BANKS controlled by the public which do not lend the public money will have to pay a fine using public money.

Government To Bail Out Pathetic Lapland Theme Park

PETER Mandelson has added the pathetic Lapland theme park to his list of businesses that must be saved.