Business

Time To Abandon Britain As Greggs Becomes Too Expensive

BRITAIN is 'well and truly, Geordie-lass-on-her-hen-night fucked' if people can no longer afford to eat at Greggs, financial analysts warned last night.

King Unveils Radical Plan To Fuck Britain Into Middle Of Next Week

BANK of England governor Mervyn King last night unveiled his latest radical plan to take Britain and fuck it squarely into the middle of next week.

Ramsay Decides Not To Swear At Bank Manager

GORDON Ramsay did not swear once during a meeting with his bank manager to discuss the £10 million debt run up by his restaurant business, it emerged last night.

BT Delighted With Latest Monopoly

REGULATORS have given BT the go-ahead to set up a new super-fast broadband network and then charge rivals as much as it bloody well feels like to use it.

Ryanair Planes To Smell Strongly Of Urine And Faeces

BUDGET airline Ryanair is to introduce the overwhelming stench of bodily waste to its 145 routes across Europe.

Aha Ha Ha Ha Ha, Says Goodwin

AHA ha ha ha ha ha ha, aha ha ha, aha ha ha ha ha, former Royal Bank of Scotland chief executive Sir Fred Goodwin said last night.

Prime Minister’s Brain Goes Into Receivership

THE brain of prime minister Gordon Brown has gone into administration, Downing Street has confirmed.

 

Facebook Abandons Bid To Copyright Your Tedious Existence

FACEBOOK users are celebrating after the social network abandoned its bid to copyright the mind-numbingly tedious details of your pointless life.