Business

Santander To Place Bow Tie On Turd

SPANISH banking giant Santander is to dress up its UK subsidiaries with a series of jolly, bright red bow ties, it was confirmed last night.

Neglected Bankers Plot Spider Attack On Blind Kids

BANKERS are planning to post every blind child in the UK a poisonous tropical spider in a bid to reclaim their position as Britain's purest form of scum.

Ryanair Urged To Seek Professional Help

LOW-COST airline Ryanair was last night urged to seek professional help.

Banks To Close For One Week A Month, Says Harman

BRITAIN'S biggest banks will be forced to close for a few days roughly every four weeks, under new government proposals.

Vauxhalls Not Quite Rusty Enough, Says Fiat

ITALIAN car maker Fiat has unveiled plans to take over Vaxuhall, insisting the British-made cars are still not quite rusty and unreliable enough.

Iggy Pop To Insure 1996 Renault Laguna

GODFATHER of punk Iggy Pop last night requested a comprehensive insurance quote for his 1996 Renault Laguna estate.

Recession To Be Susan Boyle-Shaped


THE recession is likely to be the shape of quirky Scottish songstress Susan Boyle lying on her back, experts said last night.

Tax Accountants Order New Bentleys

BRITAIN'S tax accountants were last night gleefully flicking through brochures for the Bentley Continental GT after chancellor Alistair Darling unveiled radical plans to take more money from rich people.