Apprentice Contestants To Run Irish Economy

SIR Alan Sugar is to task the remaining Apprentice contestants with making Ireland's economy less cock-shaped.

Qantas In Emergency Talks With Gremlins

BELEAGURED airline Qantas is hoping to end its ongoing Gremlin problems after announcing formal talks with the diminutive, mischief-oriented creatures.

British Gas To Just Shoot Your Dog In The Face

SOMEONE from British Gas will be round this afternoon to shoot your dog in the face, it has been confirmed.

Just Make A Car, Everyone Tells Sinclair

SIR Clive Sinclair has been told to stop this nonsense and just make a little car.

Britain Facing Somali Pirate Shortage

A BAN on air freight from Somalia could leave Britain facing a chronic shortage of crazy pirates, experts have warned.

Your Boss Is A Dick, Say Experts

YOUR boss is exploring the uncharted regions of dickishness, according to new research.

Gap Abandons Plan To Use Swastika

CLOTHING giant Gap was last night forced to abandon its plan to replace its classic blue square logo with the swastika.

Pay Civil Servants 50p An Hour, Says Topshop Boss

THE UK government could be made cheaper and more efficient if civil servants were paid 50 pence an hour, the boss of Topshop has claimed.