Ryanair to offer £8 transatlantic shitfest

RYANAIR is to become the first budget carrier to fly passengers to New York in utter misery for less than a tenner.

BP Has All The Money

THE mystery of where all the money has gone was solved today as BP announced profits of £1200 a second.

Lloyds Chief Spitting Cake Everywhere

LLOYDS TSB chief executive Eric Daniels was last night urged not to speak until he had swallowed all the cake in his mouth.

Banks Told To Stop Being So Obsessed With Money

THE government last night urged Britain's leading mortgage lenders to relax and stop thinking about money all the time.

Markets Urged To Make Their Fucking Minds Up

GLOBAL stockmarkets were last night urged to stop dicking about and make their fucking minds up.

Kebab Smell Really Is Corpses

THE corpse-like odour that emanates from kebab shops was last night revealed to be corpses.

Government Takes 60% Stake In Al-Qaeda

TAXPAYERS are to spend more than £30bn buying a majority stake in Al-Qaeda after the House of Lords threw out a key plank of the government's anti-terror legislation.

Does Alistair Darling Have What It Takes To Run Seventeen Banks At Once?

CHANCELLOR Alistair Darling was said to be nervous and excited last night after being told he would have to run 17 banks at the same time.