Banks to be broken up into kittens

ROYAL Bank of Scotland, Lloyds and Northern Rock are to be broken up into lovely little kittens that would not hurt a fly, it emerged last night.

Rodent Infested KFC Sued For Animal Cruelty

FAST food chain KFC is to be sued for animal cruelty after a swarm of mice was poisoned by a deluxe boneless box at its Leicester Square branch.

Medium-Sized Potato Tops Christmas Toy Charts

A MEDIUM-sized King Edward potato is 2009's most popular Christmas toy among recession-hit parents.

Credit Card Firms Told To Stop Leaving Horses' Heads Everywhere

CREDIT card firms are facing a crackdown on practices such as leaving a horse's head at the bottom of your bed or killing you and then stuffing you in an oil drum.

Banks Call For Mervyn King To Be Broken Up

BRITAIN'S biggest banks last night called for Mervyn King to be broken up into lots of little bits.

JJB Drops 'Sports' From Title After Admitting It Was Fooling Nobody

JJB Sports, the troubled high street vendor of television watching apparel, has finally dropped the 'Sports' from its name.

School Leavers Not Even Clever Enough To Work At Tesco, Says Tesco Boss

BRITAIN'S education system must be in a right old state if school leavers are not even qualified to work at Tesco, the boss of Tesco warned last night.

Come And See Our Hot Lesbians, Says Swindon

SWINDON is a hotbed of unbridled lesbian sex, the town's borough council claimed last night.