Banks to find way of risking your happiness

BRITAIN'S banks have pledged that industry reform will not prevent them from toying with your pathetic life.

McDonalds staff patiently explain calorie count is not price tag

STAFF at McDonalds are to spend the next three years patiently explaining that the number next to the photo of the food is the calorie count, not the price.

Companies prefer to go bankrupt with really good-looking staff

MORE companies are opting for an incredibly attractive bankruptcy, it has emerged.

Online coupons save Britons £5bn on things they don't want

SIX in ten Britons regularly use internet coupons to spend less money on things that have absolutely no value.

iPhones resign

THE world's iPhones have resigned, it has been confirmed.

Ikea shoppers are Nazis too, say experts

PEOPLE who buy things from Ikea are obviously Nazis, scientists confirmed last night.

Gap Year Land opens near Tenby

A NEW theme park will offer juggling, weed smoking and infectious diseases to students unable to afford to take a year out.

Not enough graduates know about Freudian subtext in 'Alien 3', say employers

TOO many graduates have an insufficient knowledge of the psychosexual elements of the Alien films, industry leaders have warned.