RYANAIR is to become the first budget carrier to fly passengers to New York in utter misery for less than a tenner.
THE mystery of where all the money has gone was solved today as BP announced profits of £1200 a second.
LLOYDS TSB chief executive Eric Daniels was last night urged not to speak until he had swallowed all the cake in his mouth.
THE government last night urged Britain's leading mortgage lenders to relax and stop thinking about money all the time.
GLOBAL stockmarkets were last night urged to stop dicking about and make their fucking minds up.
THE corpse-like odour that emanates from kebab shops was last night revealed to be corpses.
TAXPAYERS are to spend more than £30bn buying a majority stake in Al-Qaeda after the House of Lords threw out a key plank of the government's anti-terror legislation.
CHANCELLOR Alistair Darling was said to be nervous and excited last night after being told he would have to run 17 banks at the same time.