Business

Energy Companies Forced To Come Up With New Range Of Bullshit Excuses

ENERGY companies will be forced to invent a new range of bullshit excuses for putting up prices whenever they feel like it, it emerged today.

Ban On Jolie Film Advert Much Cheaper Than Showing Jolie Film Advert

THE ban on the advert for the Angelina Jolie film Wanted will generate at least as much publicity as showing the advert but at a fraction of the cost, the producers said last night.

Britain Delighted As Financial Crisis Keeps Cherie Blair In A Job

UNEMPLOYED people across Britain were celebrating today as the financial crisis which has wrecked their dreams gave Cherie Blair the chance to earn some enormous legal fees.

Madoff Pleads Guilty To Not Being A Bank

FRAUDSTER Bernard Madoff yesterday pled guilty to not realising he should just have turned his failed investment firm into a bank.

Time To Abandon Britain As Greggs Becomes Too Expensive

BRITAIN is 'well and truly, Geordie-lass-on-her-hen-night fucked' if people can no longer afford to eat at Greggs, financial analysts warned last night.

King Unveils Radical Plan To Fuck Britain Into Middle Of Next Week

BANK of England governor Mervyn King last night unveiled his latest radical plan to take Britain and fuck it squarely into the middle of next week.

Ramsay Decides Not To Swear At Bank Manager

GORDON Ramsay did not swear once during a meeting with his bank manager to discuss the £10 million debt run up by his restaurant business, it emerged last night.

BT Delighted With Latest Monopoly

REGULATORS have given BT the go-ahead to set up a new super-fast broadband network and then charge rivals as much as it bloody well feels like to use it.