Standard & Poor's upgrades itself

CREDIT rating agency Standard & Poor's has upgraded itself to Triple-A Plus Super Fantastic.

Past Times give workers Ye Olde Sacke

PANIC gift purchase store Past Times has made 574 workers redundant today via the medium of town crier.

Britain may have to do some actual work

BRITAIN faces the prospect of having to remove its finger from its arse.

Clegg wants unbearably middle class economy with shit adverts

NICK Clegg wants the British economy to be filled with middle class kitchen utensils and adverts made by bastards.

Bonus curb could lead to 'arsehole drain'

PLANS to curb executive pay could lead to an exodus of money-grubbing dicks, experts have warned.

La Senza pins hopes on Human Centipede range

STRUGGLING lingerie giant La Senza is to relaunch with the introduction of a new range inspired by the Human Centipede films.

Murdoch tweets minutiae of world domination

RUPERT Murdoch is to use Twitter to share his everyday, random thoughts about controlling everything in the world.

Britain is our bitch, says Goldman Sachs

BRITAIN is Goldman Sach's bitch and Goldman Sach's bitch better have its money, it has been confirmed.