CREDIT rating agency Standard & Poor's has upgraded itself to Triple-A Plus Super Fantastic.
PANIC gift purchase store Past Times has made 574 workers redundant today via the medium of town crier.
BRITAIN faces the prospect of having to remove its finger from its arse.
NICK Clegg wants the British economy to be filled with middle class kitchen utensils and adverts made by bastards.
PLANS to curb executive pay could lead to an exodus of money-grubbing dicks, experts have warned.
STRUGGLING lingerie giant La Senza is to relaunch with the introduction
of a new range inspired by the Human Centipede films.
RUPERT Murdoch is to use Twitter to share his everyday, random thoughts about controlling everything in the world.
BRITAIN is Goldman Sach's bitch and Goldman Sach's bitch better have its money, it has been confirmed.