Business

M&S Staff To Be Sacked By Dervla Kirwan

MARKS and Spencer is to use Irish actress Dervla Kirwan to sack more than 1200 workers.

iPhones To Behave Erratically Once A Month As Jobs Turns Into A Girl

IPHONES and iPods will start to behave erratically once a month as Apple boss Steve Jobs slowly turns into a girl, it was confirmed last night.

Banks To Not Lend You More Of Your Own Money

BRITAIN'S banks are to receive more of your money so they can continue to not lend it to you, it has emerged.

Economy Not Really Our Strongpoint, Admits Bank Of England

THE Bank of England last night admitted the economy was not its strongest subject, insisting it was much better at films and television.

Fat Saudis To Make Everything More Expensive

A SAUDI prince with 14 Rolls Royces and a boat the size of a hospital last night decided to put you out of work because he doesn't have enough money.

Jaguar To Keep Making Cars No-One Can Afford

THE government is lining up a multi-billion pound bail-out for Jaguar so it can keep making absurdly expensive cars that do 12 yards to the gallon.

Barclay Brothers To Move Private Island To Maldives

THE billionaire Barclay twins are to move their private island from the Channel Islands to the Maldives due to a combination of being in a huff and tax reasons.

UK To Boycott All German Goods, Except Cars, Beer, Kitchen Appliances, Adidas And Kinder Surprise

UK consumers last night pledged to buy British, unless there was an obviously superior German alternative.