Business

Stockmarkets Running Out Of Underpants

FINANCIAL institutions across the globe last night urged the US to agree a bail-out package, warning they are down to their last four pairs of useable underpants.

Bank Bail-Out Thwarted By Powerful Soup Kitchen Lobby

THE $700 billion rescue of Wall Street has been held up after intense lobbying by America's vast and powerful soup manufacturers.

12 Year-Old Boys Back Johnson Airport Plan

BORIS Johnson's plan to build an artificial island in the Thames and then put an airport on it has been backed by the majority of Britain's 12 year-old boys.

Insane Greed Still Best Way To Make Money, Say Experts

INVESTING your money with a greedy maniac who would throttle a nun for 50p, still offers the best prospect of a healthy, long-term return, experts said last night.

Nothing Can Possibly Go Wrong With Gigantic New Bank

HBOS and Lloyds TSB last night created a monstrous new banking entity safe in the knowledge that nothing can possibly go wrong.

Shares In You Plunge 82 Per Cent

SHARES in you plunged 82 per cent yesterday leaving you vulnerable to a takeover from some dirty Spanish bastard. 

Lehman Execs To Lead Slightly Less Opulent Lifestyles

EXECUTIVES at Lehman Brothers could be forced to manually adjust the seating temperature in their Mercedes, it was claimed last night.

Masters Of Universe File For Bankruptcy

THE masters of the universe were last night forced to relinquish control of their infinite creation and put all their personal items in a cardboard box.