All three versions will be shit, promise Microsoft

THE Windows 8 operating system will come in three varieties of ball-shrinking awfulness, Microsoft has promised.

Bookies suspend betting on prick becoming mayor

BOOKMAKERS have stopped taking bets that the next London Mayor will be a bellend.

Middle-managers welcome new blame culture detector

OFFICES are to be revolutionised by a device that detects challenge­-averse working practices including blame culture and failure to think out of the box.

Friends Reunited to do one of the things that Facebook does

FRIENDS Reunited has relaunched with a pledge to be not bad at one of the things that has made Facebook enormous.

Cameron begins search for new pimp

DOWNING Street has advertised for an experienced prostitution agent.

Apple to charge iPad owners for central heating

OWNERS of the iPad 3 will have to pay Apple a monthly fee for all the heat it generates.

Government to become Northern Rock

THE government is to turn itself into the defunct mortgage company Northern Rock, Downing Street has confirmed.

Kate Moss billboard collapse ‘an omen of second recession’

THE fall of a Kate Moss hoarding onto shoppers augurs another recession, according to financial soothsayers.