Business
Northern Rock Now Just Two Words
NORTHERN Rock has now been reduced to its two constituent words, its directors have told angry shareholders.
Firms Not Allowed To Ask Why Your CV Is Filled With Lies
POTENTIAL employers are to be barred from asking interviewees why their CVs are filled with rubbish from beginning to end.
Banks To Replace Charges With Fees
BANKS are to replace charges with fees in a major shake-up of ripping people off.
India Unveils World's Shittest Car
TATA, the Indian car giant, yesterday unveiled what it claims is the world's shittest mode of transport.
Jesus Congratulates Blair On New Job
JESUS has congratulated his friend Tony Blair after the former prime minister was appointed to a £500,000 a year post with a US investment bank.
M&S On The Brink As Public Decide To Peel Their Own Vegetables
MARKS & Spencer last night warned that civilisation was at an end after its profits slumped following poor Christmas sales of hand peeled free range sprouts at £9.99 a pair.
Unemployed To Pick Cotton, Say Tories
THE long-term unemployed will be taken from their homes and forced to pick cotton all day, under new proposals from the Conservatives.
2008 To Be A 'Litany Of Unremitting Shitness', Say Experts
THIS year will start shit and then get shitter until it gets so shit that eating a shit sandwich will seem like a blessed relief, a leading expert said last night.