Business

Government To Bail Out Pathetic Lapland Theme Park

PETER Mandelson has added the pathetic Lapland theme park to his list of businesses that must be saved.

Cheese And Onion Crisps Go Into Administration

ADMINISTRATORS were called into cheese and onion crisps last night as the classic flavour became the latest high profile victim of the recession.

Venture Capitalists Invest In Somali Pirates

VENTURE capitalists in New York and London are pumping millions of dollars into Somalia's booming pirate sector.

Sacked Citigroup Workers Bought By Findus

THE 75,000 workers sacked by Citigroup are to be bought by the multi-national food conglomerate Findus, it was confirmed last night.

Pound Fabulous

THE Pound is not just great, it's fabulous, the prime minister confirmed last night.

Banks Not Happy Until All That's Left Is Banks

THE banks will not rest until they have destroyed everything that is not a bank, experts claimed last night.

Ryanair to offer £8 transatlantic shitfest

RYANAIR is to become the first budget carrier to fly passengers to New York in utter misery for less than a tenner.

BP Has All The Money

THE mystery of where all the money has gone was solved today as BP announced profits of £1200 a second.