THE number of years Britain's unemployed will have to wait for their next job has been slashed from nine to eight, after an unexpected surge in business confidence.
YORKSHIRE Ripper Peter Sutcliffe has begun digging for oil beneath his Broadmoor cell in the hope of bribing the authorities into letting him go.
RAIL firms will charge less for non-existent trains in 2010, offering better value for services their customers don't receive.
LORD Mandelson has promised tough action on illegal downloaders in a bid to help close friend David Geffen achieve his dream of owning the world's four biggest yachts.
BANKERS last night welcomed proposals for their salaries to be made public, stressing they cannot wait to rub your nose right in it.