Britain Picks Out New Handcart

BRITAIN will today pick out a nice, new handcart as it completes its preparations for the journey to Hell.

Tesco Nails Chicken To River Cottage Door

SUPERMARKET giant Tesco has stepped up its campaign against TV chef Hugh Fearnley-Whttingstall by nailing a live chicken to the door of River Cottage.

Ann Summers Moves Upmarket With Crotchless Evening Gown

ANN Summers is moving upmarket with a new range aimed at the middle classes, including a stunning open-crotch evening gown.

Ryanair To Ditch Passengers In Mid-Flight

BUDGET airline Ryanair has vowed to maintain profitability this year, despite rising oil prices, by throwing passengers from its aircraft in mid-flight.

Talk Of Camper Vans At Highest Since 1991

TALK of buying camper vans rose sharply last month and is now at its highest since 1991, the Nationwide building society said last night.

Barclays Cuts Overdraft Fees From Criminal To Outrageous

BARCLAYS last night signalled a shake up in the banking industry by cutting its unauthorised overdraft fees from criminally immoral to sickeningly outrageous.

You There! Rearrange My Caviar! Demands Jumped-Up Bookie

A JUMPED-UP bookie has threatened to boycott British Airways after a stewardess refused to rearrange his caviar into the shape of Charles Bronson in Death Wish II.

Fiennes Leads Expedition To Find Source Of Fucking Gas Prices

WORLD famous explorer Sir Ranulph Fiennes is to lead a one-year expedition to discover why the fuck gas prices keep going up.