Business

Banks Told To Stop Being So Obsessed With Money

THE government last night urged Britain's leading mortgage lenders to relax and stop thinking about money all the time.

Markets Urged To Make Their Fucking Minds Up

GLOBAL stockmarkets were last night urged to stop dicking about and make their fucking minds up.

Kebab Smell Really Is Corpses

THE corpse-like odour that emanates from kebab shops was last night revealed to be corpses.

Government Takes 60% Stake In Al-Qaeda

TAXPAYERS are to spend more than £30bn buying a majority stake in Al-Qaeda after the House of Lords threw out a key plank of the government's anti-terror legislation.

Does Alistair Darling Have What It Takes To Run Seventeen Banks At Once?

CHANCELLOR Alistair Darling was said to be nervous and excited last night after being told he would have to run 17 banks at the same time.

Banks To Lend You Your Own Money

THE government is to invest £500bn of your money in British banks so they can lend it back to you with interest.

Market Suffers Biggest Ever Blah, Blah, Blah

WITH monotonous predictability the world's stockmarkets yesterday did yet another record breaking thing, apparently.

Britain Braced For More Bullshit Articles About Capitalism

WITH more economic bad news on the way, Britain is this week bracing itself for a fresh wave of bullshit newspaper articles about the nature of capitalism.