THE government last night urged Britain's leading mortgage lenders to relax and stop thinking about money all the time.
GLOBAL stockmarkets were last night urged to stop dicking about and make their fucking minds up.
THE corpse-like odour that emanates from kebab shops was last night revealed to be corpses.
TAXPAYERS are to spend more than £30bn buying a majority stake in Al-Qaeda after the House of Lords threw out a key plank of the government's anti-terror legislation.
CHANCELLOR Alistair Darling was said to be nervous and excited last night after being told he would have to run 17 banks at the same time.
THE government is to invest £500bn of your money in British banks so they can lend it back to you with interest.
WITH monotonous predictability the world's stockmarkets yesterday did yet another record breaking thing, apparently.
WITH more economic bad news on the way, Britain is this week bracing itself for a fresh wave of bullshit newspaper articles about the nature of capitalism.