Leprechauns Are Stealing Our Gold, Claims Darling

CHANCELLOR Alistair Darling last night warned UK banks could collapse after a series of daring raids by hordes of 'little people'.

Bastard Americans Ruin Your Life

ALL your hopes and dreams were shattered by bastard Americans last night, just as you suspected they always would be.

Stockmarkets Running Out Of Underpants

FINANCIAL institutions across the globe last night urged the US to agree a bail-out package, warning they are down to their last four pairs of useable underpants.

Bank Bail-Out Thwarted By Powerful Soup Kitchen Lobby

THE $700 billion rescue of Wall Street has been held up after intense lobbying by America's vast and powerful soup manufacturers.

12 Year-Old Boys Back Johnson Airport Plan

BORIS Johnson's plan to build an artificial island in the Thames and then put an airport on it has been backed by the majority of Britain's 12 year-old boys.

Insane Greed Still Best Way To Make Money, Say Experts

INVESTING your money with a greedy maniac who would throttle a nun for 50p, still offers the best prospect of a healthy, long-term return, experts said last night.

Nothing Can Possibly Go Wrong With Gigantic New Bank

HBOS and Lloyds TSB last night created a monstrous new banking entity safe in the knowledge that nothing can possibly go wrong.

Shares In You Plunge 82 Per Cent

SHARES in you plunged 82 per cent yesterday leaving you vulnerable to a takeover from some dirty Spanish bastard.