Shiny thing make it all better

NEW shiny thing make everything all better, say clever science man yesterday.

UK Economy Grows By Fifteen Pence

BRITAIN emerged from recession today as the economy grew by 15p.

Cash-For-Gold Companies A Rip-Off, Says Leprechaun

A LEPRECHAUN has labelled TV cash-for-gold companies a 'rip-off' after receiving just £12.94 for his entire pot.

Markets Plunge On Bank Crackdown That Will Make No Difference To Your Overdraft

STOCK markets plunged today after President Obama unveiled a far-reaching crackdown on banks that will leave your overdraft exactly as large as it is now.

Will Chocolate Buttons taste like shit? asks Britain

FEARS were growing today that chocolate buttons are inevitably going to end up tasting like shit.

Up To One Million Households Using Sex To Pay Mortgage

A GROWING number of UK householders are performing sex acts on lenders in lieu of mortgage payments, according to a new survey.

Annual Increase In House-Related TV Awfulness

TV property shows rose by 1.8% last year as the easing of the credit crunch helped bring forward a second series of Dreadful Middle Class Bastards.

New Discount Card Offers Bargains For Sluts

A NEW 'sluts only' discount card is offering impressionable, sexually promiscuous women money off everything from drinks to scientific equipment.