Tesco lays foundation for new level of hell

GIRAFFE restaurants attached to supermarkets promise a new era in soul-destruction, Tesco has claimed.

John Lewis bonus paid in garlic presses and glass paperweights

JOHN Lewis has announced that its 17% staff bonuses will be paid in the form of non-essential household accessories.

Britain to continue cupping bankers' testicles

BRITAIN will oppose an EU  ban on gently warming the testicles of bankers.

British Gas to hire 1,000 trainee bastards

BRITISH Gas will take on 1,000 young people over the next three years and teach them how to be unremitting bastards.

The Mash Guide to Working From Home

WORKING from home is great - it's almost like being free.

Royal Mail launches letter-burying service

THE Royal Mail is offering to bury the heap of marketing bullshit it would otherwise put through your letterbox.