Bonuses No Longer Linked To Being Good At Things

BONUSES should no longer be awarded simply on the basis of doing something properly, it was claimed last night.

Hamster Toy Contains Dangerous Levels Of Horse Vagina

THE makers of a popular hamster toy have reassured parents that their product does not contain excessive levels of horse labia.

But The Real Word Is Full Of Poor People, Say Bankers

BANKERS last night rejected calls to live in the real world insisting it was full of badly-dressed poor people with only one house.

Windows 7 Users Complain Over 'Black Screen Of Being Conned Out Of Two Hundred Quid'

MICROSOFT have admitted that some users of its new Windows 7 operating system have been confronted with the dreaded 'Black Screen of Paying £200 for Something That Doesn't Work'.

David Hasselhoff's Mind To Become Theme Park

FORMER Baywatch star David Hasselhoff's psyche is set to become a multi-million dollar tourist attraction, with rides, cafes and high strangeness.

Are You Scared Yet? Bankers Ask Britain

BRITAIN'S bankers last night wanted to know if you were scared yet amid mounting evidence that they will get exactly what they want, all the time.

Werewolves Win Right To Tear Your Head Off

BRITAIN'S werewolves today won the right to tear your head off, rip open your chest and hungrily devour your still-beating heart.

Brown To Sell Your Fat To L'Oreal

GORDON Brown is to slash Britain's budget deficit by sucking the fat from your body and selling it to soap companies.