Insane Greed Still Best Way To Make Money, Say Experts

INVESTING your money with a greedy maniac who would throttle a nun for 50p, still offers the best prospect of a healthy, long-term return, experts said last night.

Nothing Can Possibly Go Wrong With Gigantic New Bank

HBOS and Lloyds TSB last night created a monstrous new banking entity safe in the knowledge that nothing can possibly go wrong.

Shares In You Plunge 82 Per Cent

SHARES in you plunged 82 per cent yesterday leaving you vulnerable to a takeover from some dirty Spanish bastard. 

Lehman Execs To Lead Slightly Less Opulent Lifestyles

EXECUTIVES at Lehman Brothers could be forced to manually adjust the seating temperature in their Mercedes, it was claimed last night.

Masters Of Universe File For Bankruptcy

THE masters of the universe were last night forced to relinquish control of their infinite creation and put all their personal items in a cardboard box.

Stock Exchange Reopens Shouting Pits

COMPUTER problems have forced the London Stock Exchange to reopen its famous shouting pits.

Banks To Start Writing Stuff Down

BRITAIN'S high street banks are to start writing stuff down, it was confirmed last night.

Satan Forced To Sell Heathrow

SATAN, the Prince of Darkness, is to launch an appeal after he was ordered to sell Heathrow.