Vauxhalls Not Quite Rusty Enough, Says Fiat

ITALIAN car maker Fiat has unveiled plans to take over Vaxuhall, insisting the British-made cars are still not quite rusty and unreliable enough.

Iggy Pop To Insure 1996 Renault Laguna

GODFATHER of punk Iggy Pop last night requested a comprehensive insurance quote for his 1996 Renault Laguna estate.

Recession To Be Susan Boyle-Shaped

THE recession is likely to be the shape of quirky Scottish songstress Susan Boyle lying on her back, experts said last night.

Tax Accountants Order New Bentleys

BRITAIN'S tax accountants were last night gleefully flicking through brochures for the Bentley Continental GT after chancellor Alistair Darling unveiled radical plans to take more money from rich people.

Government Throws Weight Behind Rubber Cars

IN a dual bid to reinvigorate the car industry and reduce road deaths, UK engineers are being given a £100m grant to develop the world's first rubber car.

Britain's Only Shop Makes Enormous Profit

THE only place where people can buy things has made a huge profit again, it has been confirmed.

The Recession Has Gonorrhea, Claims Downing Street

THE recession has a sexually transmitted disease that it has been covering up for years, Downing Street sources have claimed.

G20 Produces One Trillion Dollars From Behind Your Ear

THE G20 summit made you giggle like a schoolgirl last night after producing a shiny $1 trillion coin from behind your right ear.