British Gas To Let You Eat

BRITISH Gas has agreed to leave you just enough money so you can eat.

RBS To Implode Like House At The End Of 'Poltergeist'

THE Royal Bank of Scotland is just days away from imploding like that house in Poltergeist, it was claimed said last night.

Only Twelve More Bank Bail-Outs To Go, Promises Darling

CHANCELLOR Alistair Darling has promised to limit the number of bank bail-outs to 10 or 12 at the most.

Green Shoots Of Recovery Revealed As Putrefying Fingers Of The Dead

CLAIMS the UK was seeing the green shoots of recovery were withdrawn last night after they were revealed to be nothing more than the mouldy fingers of the recently deceased.

For Shame, Our Rates Of Interest Can Surely Plunge No Lower, Proclaims Mr Pepys

London, 1694: MR Samuel Pepys, the noted sage and diarist, has proclaimed the nation to be in peril after the rates of pecuniary interest reached the abominable level of two in every hundred.

Estate Agents Now Showing Houses To Other Estate Agents

BRITAIN'S estate agents are showing houses to each other in a bid to combat loneliness and prevent their traditional skills from dying out.

M&S Staff To Be Sacked By Dervla Kirwan

MARKS and Spencer is to use Irish actress Dervla Kirwan to sack more than 1200 workers.

iPhones To Behave Erratically Once A Month As Jobs Turns Into A Girl

IPHONES and iPods will start to behave erratically once a month as Apple boss Steve Jobs slowly turns into a girl, it was confirmed last night.