INVESTING your money with a greedy maniac who would throttle a nun for 50p, still offers the best prospect of a healthy, long-term return, experts said last night.
HBOS and Lloyds TSB last night created a monstrous new banking entity safe in the knowledge that nothing can possibly go wrong.
SHARES in you plunged 82 per cent yesterday leaving you vulnerable to a takeover from some dirty Spanish bastard.
EXECUTIVES at Lehman Brothers could be forced to manually adjust the seating temperature in their Mercedes, it was claimed last night.
THE masters of the universe were last night forced to relinquish control of their infinite creation and put all their personal items in a cardboard box.
COMPUTER problems have forced the London Stock Exchange to reopen its famous shouting pits.
BRITAIN'S high street banks are to start writing stuff down, it was confirmed last night.
SATAN, the Prince of Darkness, is to launch an appeal after he was ordered to sell Heathrow.