Foreigners to replace Queen's head with Jordan's fandango

THE iconic Machin Head portrait of the Queen could be replaced on stamps by Katie Price's steam-cleaned vagina if some foreigners buy the Post Office, it has been confirmed.

Snow-bound Britain pretending presents don't matter

AS FREEZING weather and icy roads threatened to leave Britain without Christmas presents, people across the country insisted it didn't matter in a series of putrid, stinking lies.

Trends more fashionable than ever

THE latest fashions are trendier than ever and look set to be the in-thing, experts have confirmed.

EU Google Probe To Be Based Entirely On Google Searches

THE EU investigation into Google will involve doing lots of Google searches to find out things about Google.

Men Retrained To See Breasts As Bad Things

MALE employees are being retrained to see breasts as malevolent orbs of terror.

Letting agents to out-bastard estate agents

WITH the rental sector booming, letting agents are set to topple estate agents as Britain's leading bunch of tick-like scumbags.

Apprentice Contestants To Run Irish Economy

SIR Alan Sugar is to task the remaining Apprentice contestants with making Ireland's economy less cock-shaped.

Qantas In Emergency Talks With Gremlins

BELEAGURED airline Qantas is hoping to end its ongoing Gremlin problems after announcing formal talks with the diminutive, mischief-oriented creatures.