HOUSE prices are rising so fast that home ownership is only possible in shitholes, say experts.
THE price of any item reduced on Black Friday is whatever it says on the label plus your very soul, retailers have agreed.
The sheer cost of middle-class life in London means they can only afford one large house and one buy-to-let flat.
A MAN wearing a business suit feels purposeful as f*ck, it has been confirmed.
A PERVERTED old man living in a crater on the moon is given a telescope to spy on couples having sex in John Lewis’s Christmas advert.
THE story of Jesus’s birth now includes a large red lorry with corporate branding, it has been confirmed.
LIDL has unveiled its Christmas advert about a husband attempting to justify the purchase of thirty cans of bitter.
JOB interviewees who smell of stale alcohol are considerably less likely to be hired, it has emerged.