Business

Rail companies one step closer to perfectly empty trains

RAIL operators are moving ever closer to a network completely rid of annoying passengers.

Shopping stampede expected for Unfunny Toilet Humour Joke Gift Monday

SALES of tiresome penis and fart-related joke products are expected to hit £569bn today.

Everything to be given to Richard Branson

ALL remaining public assets are to be transferred to Richard Branson to see what he does with them.

Energy companies getting advert ideas from shamanic drug sessions

SSE’S ape advert was inspired by peyote-fuelled sweat lodge rituals, it has emerged.

Businesses warn fines for bad reviews will almost certainly catch on

BUSINESSES have warned they will be forced to start fining customers who complain.

Interns planning to be monstrous once they have power

UNPAID workers spend most of their time imagining how vile they will be to other interns once they get promoted, it has emerged.

Banks admit they have not done anything legal since 1978

BRITAIN’S banks are in their 36th year of unbroken criminality, it has been confirmed.

Phone shop workers not really gurus or geniuses

SPOTTY 19-year-olds who know a bit about smartphones should have more appropriate job titles, it has been claimed.