Business

Public unsure what to do with information about big shops' sales figures

REPORTS of big shops' Christmas sales figures have left Britons baffled and mildly anxious.

Shoppers urged to buy shit British vegetables instead

THE government is calling on shoppers to source more of their pointless, dreadful food from British farmers.

Record numbers poncing about in new cars

MORE Britons than ever are driving around in brand new cars like a bunch of total ponces.

Pubs to trial professional lanes

BRITAIN’S pubs will have a section of the bar reserved for people who know what they’re doing this Christmas.

Waitrose unveils 23-bird roast

WAITROSE has launched its neighbor-trumping 23-bird Deluxe Roast.

Facebook launches Schadenfreude button

FACEBOOK has launched a feature allowing users to express pleasure when friends post bad news.

Tech giants raise spectre of vinyl and VHS

IF the NSA keeps spying on the internet consumers will return to vinyl records and films on tape, massive companies have warned.

83% of Monocle readers still live with their mum

MOST people who read Monocle magazine are still based in their childhood bedroom, it has emerged.