Ryanair To Ditch Passengers In Mid-Flight

BUDGET airline Ryanair has vowed to maintain profitability this year, despite rising oil prices, by throwing passengers from its aircraft in mid-flight.

Talk Of Camper Vans At Highest Since 1991

TALK of buying camper vans rose sharply last month and is now at its highest since 1991, the Nationwide building society said last night.

Barclays Cuts Overdraft Fees From Criminal To Outrageous

BARCLAYS last night signalled a shake up in the banking industry by cutting its unauthorised overdraft fees from criminally immoral to sickeningly outrageous.

You There! Rearrange My Caviar! Demands Jumped-Up Bookie

A JUMPED-UP bookie has threatened to boycott British Airways after a stewardess refused to rearrange his caviar into the shape of Charles Bronson in Death Wish II.

Fiennes Leads Expedition To Find Source Of Fucking Gas Prices

WORLD famous explorer Sir Ranulph Fiennes is to lead a one-year expedition to discover why the fuck gas prices keep going up. 

I'm Drunk Right Now, Say 80% Of Workers

MORE than three-quarters of all office workers are either drunk or drinking at their desks right now, according to a new report.

Supermarkets Must Be Stabbed Through The Heart Under A Full Moon, Says Regulator

BRITAIN'S leading supermarket chains can only be defeated if a bronze dagger is plunged into their chest by the light of a full moon, the Competition Commission said today.

Consumers To Link Oil Company Profits And Petrol Prices Any Day Now

OIL company executives were last night heading to undisclosed locations amid speculation that consumers were about to make the link between high petrol prices and corporate profits.