Free Bank With Every New Mobile

COMPETITION has intensified in the mobile phone market with rival companies offering a medium-sized bank with every new handset.

Sainsbury's Buyer Led Extravagant Potato-Based Lifestyle

SUSPECTED Sainsbury's vegetable buyer John Maylam first gave himself away after spending thousands of pounds on a 180mph potato car, colleagues said last night.

Hedge Funds Now Most Important Thing People Know Nothing About

HEDGE funds have overtaken the Big Bang as the most important thing people know nothing about.

Wheat Price Increase Foretells Great Doom

THE price of a bushel of wheat rose yet again in the markets of Flanders yesterday presaging a monstrous tribulation and a grave rise in the price of mead, the Lord High Guardian of the King's Purse has warned.

British Gas Links Profit Rise To Massive Price Increases

BRITISH Gas has said its 500% increase in profits is the result of charging people much more money to buy gas.

Darling Sets Fire To Huge Pile Of Money

CHANCELLOR Alistair Darling last night carried out his threat to pile up £100 billion of taxpayers' money and then set fire to it.

Bank Profits Plunge From Obscene To Repulsive

RECORD bad debts in the US home loan market will see bank profits fall from eye-poppingly obscene to unspeakably repulsive, City analysts warned last night.

Glass Of Piss Reaches £75 On Ebay

IT is more than two weeks old and is starting to get a bit cloudy, but after topping £75 last night it has become eBay's most expensive glass of piss.