Business

Idiot Stockbrokers Continue To Ruin Your Life

STOCKBROKERS are preparing for a third day of running around and waving their hands in the air, shouting 'nooooooooooooooooooo!!!'.

Northern Rock Now Just Two Words

NORTHERN Rock has now been reduced to its two constituent words, its directors have told angry shareholders. 

Firms Not Allowed To Ask Why Your CV Is Filled With Lies

POTENTIAL employers are to be barred from asking interviewees why their CVs are filled with rubbish from beginning to end.

Banks To Replace Charges With Fees

BANKS are to replace charges with fees in a major shake-up of ripping people off.

India Unveils World's Shittest Car

TATA, the Indian car giant, yesterday unveiled what it claims is the world's shittest mode of transport.

Jesus Congratulates Blair On New Job

JESUS has congratulated his friend Tony Blair after the former prime minister was appointed to a £500,000 a year post with a US investment bank.

M&S On The Brink As Public Decide To Peel Their Own Vegetables

MARKS & Spencer last night warned that civilisation was at an end after its profits slumped following poor Christmas sales of hand peeled free range sprouts at £9.99 a pair.

Unemployed To Pick Cotton, Say Tories

THE long-term unemployed will be taken from their homes and forced to pick cotton all day, under new proposals from the Conservatives.