Business

82% Wish They Were Pretending To Be Dead

THE number of people in Britain who wish they were pretending to be dead has risen for the fifth month in a row.

Microsoft Replaces Vista 'Kill-Switch' With Army Of Mercenaries

SOFTWARE giant Microsoft is to replace its built-in, anti-piracy systems with a vast army of ruthless mercenaries.

Product Red Raises Millions For Apple, Motorola And Hallmark

PRODUCT Red, the brand founded by U2 frontman Bono, has raised $50 million to help fight Porsche shortages among executives at Apple, Armani, Motorola, Gap and Hallmark. 

Estate Agents Will Starve To Death After House Price Crash, Says Upbeat Report

WORRIED homeowners were cheered last night as economists revealed that next year's house price collapse will lead to widespread starvation and prostitution among Britain's estate agents.

Britain Advised To Fill Up On Bread

THE Bank of England is advising Britain to fill up on bread and make tea with their own urine after new warnings of an economic slump.

Airlines Misled Public By Claiming Flights Would Not Be Filled With Bastards

AIRLINES have been accused of misleading the public after claiming short-haul flights would not be full to the brim with fat, slow, noisy bastards.

Daily Express Issues Death Threat To Heather Mills

THE Daily Express last night became the first British newspaper to issue a formal death threat against ranting fruitcake Heather Mills McCartney.

How Much For Your Woman, Abdullah Asks Philip

SAUDI Arabia's King Abdullah was last night locked in talks with Prince Philip over how much he would be willing to accept for Her Majesty the Queen.