Business

Estate Agents Will Starve To Death After House Price Crash, Says Upbeat Report

WORRIED homeowners were cheered last night as economists revealed that next year's house price collapse will lead to widespread starvation and prostitution among Britain's estate agents.

Britain Advised To Fill Up On Bread

THE Bank of England is advising Britain to fill up on bread and make tea with their own urine after new warnings of an economic slump.

Airlines Misled Public By Claiming Flights Would Not Be Filled With Bastards

AIRLINES have been accused of misleading the public after claiming short-haul flights would not be full to the brim with fat, slow, noisy bastards.

Daily Express Issues Death Threat To Heather Mills

THE Daily Express last night became the first British newspaper to issue a formal death threat against ranting fruitcake Heather Mills McCartney.

How Much For Your Woman, Abdullah Asks Philip

SAUDI Arabia's King Abdullah was last night locked in talks with Prince Philip over how much he would be willing to accept for Her Majesty the Queen.

Dollar Now Nancy Boy Of International Currencies

THE US dollar is now the nancy boy of the international money markets and the gayest currency in the world.

It's the beheadings I miss the most, says homesick Saudi King

KING Abdullah of Saudi Arabia has revealed that he hates to travel because he misses the daily beheadings in the courtyard of his solid gold palace.

Oil Price Rise Caused By Pixies

THE global surge in the price of oil has been blamed on pixies, sprites and their gang of magical woodland friends.