Business

Apple Watch to be marketed on ability to tell wearers what the time is

THE Apple Watch is to be advertised purely as a timekeeping device, rather than a weird little computer.

We will raise interest rates, says Bank of England’s chief necromancer

THE black coven of warlocks at the heart of the Bank of England will raise interest rates by the new year, they have sworn.

Tizer granted UNESCO World Heritage status

TIZER has been named a fizzy drink of outstanding cultural importance by the UN.

Coffee round so complicated it requires a specialist

A CITY accountancy firm has advertised for a trained specialist to deal with its demanding daily coffee round.

Third Heathrow runway to be disguised by cave mouth and collapsible palm trees

HEATHROW’S third runway will be discreetly hidden inside a cliff face with palm trees that fold down when planes launch.

Fred Goodwin having another lovely day

FORMER RBS chief Fred Goodwin is enjoying another lovely day while you pay off his debts.

HSBC staff sacked by kindly pink-haired pensioners

THE kindly-seeming old ladies running HSBC have decided to sack 8,000 people because profits are down.

Kate Moss launches world’s first debauched airline

MODEL Kate Moss has launched partyJet, an airline that encourages passengers to get wasted.