Business

Tesco to replace population with docile clones

SUPERMARKET giant Tesco is to scan faces as part of a plan to murder shoppers and replace them with clones.

RBS admits concept of 'good bank' too much of a headf*ck

ROYAL Bank of Scotland is not going to split after admitting the concept of a 'good bank' is too mental to contemplate.

Tesco throwing away four cans of lager per year

BRITISH branches of Tesco throw away a fiver’s worth of alcohol every year, they have confirmed.

Yahoo unveils plan to make users hate it

YAHOO'S radical new PR strategy involves making all its customers want to strangle it.

Royal Mail promises to keep long parcel queues

THE traditional 40-minute wait to collect a parcel will be unaffected by Royal Mail privatisation, it has been claimed.

Eggs to buy Twitter

THE forthcoming Twitter flotation is set to attract massive investment from the social network's thriving egg community.

Miliband unveils first energy price increase

LABOUR leader Ed Miliband has announced the first of his promised hikes in the price of gas and electricity.

Blackberry bought by consortium of teenagers

THE makers of Blackberry have been bought by teens eager to keep their favourite hook-up network intact.