Business

Jailed trader to dig escape tunnel behind poster of Thatcher

LIBOR rigger Tom Hayes is to tunnel out of prison using a poster of Margaret Thatcher as cover.

New laid-back automated checkout doesn’t give a shit what’s in the bagging area

TESCO’S new automated till has the character of a divorced middle-aged woman with a borderline drink problem.

Topshop to replace mannequins with skeletons

RETAILER Topshop is to replace its controversial slender mannequins with skeletons.

Office worker excited about impending 'trickle down' of wealth

ADMINISTRATOR Wayne Hayes is eagerly waiting to feel the benefits of Britain’s robust economic growth.

Daily Mash buys Financial Times

THE Daily Mash has confirmed it has bought the Financial Times for £1.2bn.

‘Contactless’ depriving shop staff of deliciously awkward PIN wait

RETAIL staff have complained that contactless payment means they no longer get to stare intensely at customers while their card goes through.

Apple Watch to be marketed on ability to tell wearers what the time is

THE Apple Watch is to be advertised purely as a timekeeping device, rather than a weird little computer.

We will raise interest rates, says Bank of England’s chief necromancer

THE black coven of warlocks at the heart of the Bank of England will raise interest rates by the new year, they have sworn.