People still unsure how banks work

THE £6.5m bonus paid to Barclays chief Bob Diamond was last night criticised by people with no real grasp of capitalism.

Nice twigs - let's make a laptop

Angry online word-flingers roundly condemned the sum which coincidentally was the jackpot amount won in the weekend’s lottery by somebody who did approximately 12 seconds’ work buying their ticket.

Julian Cook, from Donnelly-McPartlin, said: “I will cheerfully give a weeks’ wages to the first internet Paxman complaining about our bonus system that can even vaguely explain what it is we do for a living.

“Bob Diamond earned his bonus by maximising Barclay’s equity differential market by a factor of six whilst ensuring their contingent capital base stayed under 2.3% Or have I just made all of that up? You haven’t the faintest idea, have you?”

But taxi driver and part-time financial analyst Roy Hobbs said: “It’s all about fat cats and bailouts, isn’t it? We own Barclays along with all the other banks so where’s my £6.5 million? That’s the question I’m absolutely convinced I’m the first person to ever have asked.”

But Cook stressed: “Arsing off about the capitalist system is rather like a fish complaining about the preponderance of water in its life.

“Unless, of course, you’re somehow venting your dreary, uninformed fury on the internet via a computer made from twigs by a worker’s collective.

“And complaining that bankers are obsessed with making money is like saying lions are obsessed with eating gazelles.

“Perhaps you’d prefer us to sit around weaving fair trade wicker baskets and then use the profits from that to lend you cheap money so you can buy all those things you simply have to have.”

He added: “We could try communism but then Bob Diamond would earn millions from being in the politburo, only you’d know nothing about it because the newspaper has just the one story and it’s about how fucking great your community tractor is.

“You could try complaining, just like you are now, but then someone who works for Bob Diamond would shoot you in the face.”