Portas to destroy every high street with her brain

THE Portas Inquiry into Britain’s high streets will close every shop in the country because Mary Portas is such an utter moron, it has emerged.

If only David Cameron had appointed the shoe

Within minutes of the shopping expert declaring that female cabinet ministers should be more ‘glamorous and sexy’, Britain’s high streets were braced for a fresh wave of closing down sales.

Roy Hobbs, who runs a hardware shop in Peterborough, said: “Well, that’s me fucked.

“I didn’t agree with David Cameron putting Mary Portas in charge of an inquiry that is actually very important to this country’s economic development, what with me not being a mental case.

“But you have to take what you’re given and hope it works out for the best. Oh God, I’m so fucked I can’t think straight.”

Portas told Heat magazine that some female members of the Cabinet were so ugly she could not look at them, before returning to her desk and thinking up some recommendations about people’s livelihoods.

Jane Thompson, who runs an organic fruit and veg shop in Newark, said: “I’m trying to compete with Tesco and she’s the kind of person who feels the need to express a really strong opinion about Theresa May’s jewellery.

“I don’t suppose you want to buy an enormous number of mangoes?”

But a Downing Street spokesman defended the Portas appointment, adding: “Mary is absolutely right about Theresa’s earrings. They’re a disaster.

“Perhaps it’s time for Mervyn King to step aside.”