the dailymash

Investors are worried there is still no sign of your wealthy parents dying and believe you cannot carry on stealing from your senile grandmother's purse for much longer.

Concerns have also been raised about your over exposure to sub-prime REM albums and your ability to repay the £250 you owe Arkan the coke dealer.

In a statement to the Stock Exchange you said: "We remain confident we can persuade Mr Arkan to restructure our drug debts even though it may cost us a toe.

"If not, we can always get bar work or pay 'Fucknut' Frankie Thomson to make our parents die in a freak accident which does not involve the destruction of any of their valuable property."

However, Julian Cook, who analyses you at Donnelly McPartlin, said: "Your assets include numbers one to 24 of Now That’s What I Call Music, excluding 7 and 13. That's not bad. You also have a novelty smoothy maker.

"But you have made some very poor strategic investments recently including £200 on a mobile phone that makes you look like a tit and £150 on a vibrating egg."

He added: "Without short term recapitalisation you will be forced to bend over as the oleaginous man with the paella breath smears olive oil into your buttocks and unzips himself."