Small firms urged to sell stuff to bankers

SMALL businesses across Britain could increase their profits by selling loads of stuff to rich bankers, it has emerged.

Fetch me a toastie, Zammo

Economists say that instead of banks being forced to lend arbitrary sums to small businesses that might be shit, the companies could instead try selling goods and services to people who have huge amounts of money.

Roy Hobbs, deputy chief economist at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: “When setting up a company the first two questions you should ask are –  who has all the money and what sort of things do they like to spend it on?

“When you have answered those questions you are well on your way to making one of those things and selling it to rich people.

“It may be paté made from an animal that’s recently met Stephen Fry, it may be a robot butler in the shape of Zammo from Grange Hill or it may be a handbag that’s also a lawyer.

“Or it may just be loads of prostitutes and cocaine.

“After a while the small businessmen will become rich and then other businesses will make money selling things to them.

“Then when everyone is finally making some money the government could tax just a little bit of it so you can have your fucking hospitals, instead of taxing a small number of people a huge amount for the 15 minutes before they piss off to Hong Kong.

“Or, if you prefer, we could all just sit around complaining about how some people have more money than other people and dreaming up projects named after wizards that are obviously a complete waste of everyone’s time.”

A Treasury spokesman said: “Maybe we should have named it after Gandalf. Or Yoda.”