Snow-bound Britain pretending presents don’t matter

AS FREEZING weather and icy roads threatened to leave Britain without
Christmas presents, people across the country insisted it didn’t matter
in a series of putrid, stinking lies.

Give it a good tug first - you don't want to end up covered in plaster

The Met Office said snow and plunging temperatures would make
many roads impassible causing millions to display rictus grins and claim
Christmas was about family while digging their nails deep into their
thighs until they bled.

Removing her belt and testing the strength of her living room light
fitting, Helen Archer, from Hitchin, said: “I’m sure it’s going to be
just fine.

“We can all sing or play a game.”

Bill McKay, from Hatfield, added: “Why does Christmas have to be about
presents and materialism? Why can’t it just be about me having a nice
day with my relatives. My arse-brained, shit-heap relatives and their
stupid bastarding faces that make me want to fucking puke?

“We can all sing or play a game.”

Jane Thompson, from Stevenage, said she had stocked up for Christmas
with food, drink, crackers and even printed off a page from wikipedia
about how long it should take a naked 36 year-old woman to freeze to
death in the snow.

She added: “If my Panasonic Lumix camera doesn’t get here in time, I
honestly couldn’t care less. I actually wish I could go online, cancel
the order and give the money to charity because this has all just
made realise that Christmas is about giving not receiving and that the
best present I could get this year would be putting my husband’s fat face
through a fucking window.”

Thompson then crawled into the corner of the room, pulled her knees
towards her chin and began rocking back and forth saying: “We can all
sing or play a game… we can all sing or play a game…”