Some People Getting The Broadband Speed They Pay For


A FEW people in Britain are still getting the broadband speed that was in the advert, according to new research.

Will Sprinkles live to see Clash of the Titans?

Regulator Ofcom found that as many as 37 people, mostly in urban areas, are receiving speeds of up to 20 megabytes and can download an entire film in less than the average lifespan of a cat.

The government has now warned the industry that it must stick to its pledge to continually reduce the percentage of people it is not ripping off with the most breath-taking simplicity.

Stephen Malley, a telecoms analyst at Porter, Pinkney and Turner, said: “Over a decade ago BT launched an ambitious rolling programme to dig up thousands of British roads to install fibre optic cable, before waiting for two weeks and then digging them up all over again and removing it.

“Obviously this was not about actually improving broadband speeds, it was about making people so frustrated with road works and traffic jams that they would give up their jobs and sit around at home all day playing online bingo over an incredibly poor broadband connection that bears no relation to the advert with the ginger tosspot and his piss-faced girlfriend.”

But Malley said an administrative error meant that some of the fibre optic cable was left in place, resulting in more than three dozen people who had no need to call a helpline at £2.50 a second or be ground into whimpering submission by BT’s Utter Fucking Bastard Department.

The UK telecoms industry has now pledged to rip out the last few remaining yards of fibre optic cable and replace it with a load of stretched-out coat hangers.

A spokesman for BT Openreach said: “These coat hangers are made from top quality Bulgarian tungsten and can run up to three bingo sites at the same time.”


  • Share: