SQUEEZEY CREDIT CRUNCH BANG TUMBLE SPARKS DEBT RISE SHARE PLUNGE SELL-OFF FEARS

SHARES in London closed down a million yesterday as squeezing credits in the sub-debt crunch market oozed in an oily mess on the floor.

Both these men have poo in their pants
The FTSE 100 index of leading shares tumbled over on its side at one point and had to be helped up by two passing elderly ladies.

In Hong Kong the Hang Seng changed its name to Billy Yip and refused to answer the phone, while Tokyo’s Nikkei dyed its hair blonde and put on a short skirt.

In New York the Dow Jones failed to turn up for work for the second day in a row, and stayed home drinking vodka out of the bottle instead.

Charles Winstanley-Stanley, leading equities analyst with UBF in London, said the markets had been spooked by an altercation in the US pork knuckle pens overnight.

He said: “The sub-prime pork cuts collapse in the States has gone sausage. It’s just a question now of whether it’s a chipolata or a great big fucking Cumberland.”

Mr Winstanley-Stanley warned of further turbulence in the months ahead as the squeezed credits were forced back into their tubes.

Alistair Darling, the new Chancellor of the Exchequer, said he did not have a clue what was going on and that he had “shat himself”.

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