Market tumble sparks debt rise share plunge sell-off fears

SHARES in London are down a million after squeezed credits in the sub-debt crunch market.

The FTSE 100 index of leading shares tumbled over on its side at one point and had to be helped up by two passing elderly ladies.

In Hong Kong the Hang Seng changed its name to Billy Yip and refused to answer the phone, while Tokyo’s Nikkei dyed its hair blonde and put on a short skirt.

In New York the Dow Jones failed to turn up for work for the second day in a row, and stayed home drinking vodka out of the bottle instead.

Charles Winstanley, leading equities analyst with UBF in London, said the markets had been spooked by an altercation in the US pork knuckle pens.

He added: “The sub-prime pork collapse in the States has gone full sausage.”

Mr Winstanley warned of further turbulence in the months ahead as the squeezed credits were forced back into their tubes.