Superyacht sets new standards in prick-focused design

A VAST floating pleasure palace is the ultimate prick machine, its designers have claimed.

Most superyachts now feature an unconscious '80s action hero

Vava II is 96 metres of gleaming, aerodynamic prickishness, commissioned by some rich prick, partly to keep his orange trophy wife happy but mainly just to show off.

It features a jewel-powered dog manicure robot, a crystal cannon that fires big balls of money into the sky and a vast, soulless discotheque with Jean-Claude Van Damme permanently unconscious in the corner.

Designer Stephen Malley said: “When I first met the client I knew immediately he was a prick on a massive scale. I then set about incorporating his unbridled prickishness into every detail.”

He added: “Vava II will now host parties where fat, old pricks in salmon-pink polo shirts will loll around sipping champagne and ogling dead-eyed young women dancing to commercial hip hop while yet more pricks arrive by helicopter.

“If it isn’t sucked into a whirlpool or visited by a mysterious red-masked stranger who gives everyone on board the ebola virus, there is no God.

“If you’ll excuse me, I have to pen a suicide note.”

Meanwhile, Catholic bishops congratulated the owners for not wasting the money on charity but urged them not to use the boat as a venue for unnatural weddings.