Tesco And iPhone Combine As Foretold In Ancient Prophecy

SUPERMARKET giant Tesco has confirmed it will sell the Apple iPhone, thus creating the twin colossi of rampaging evil as foretold by scripture.

And yea, Shadek did spake unto Belamesh, 'when you turn it sideways it looks like you're drinking it'

Theologians said the roll-out fulfilled predictions in the Dead Sea Scrolls of a time when two great powers will combine to envelope the Earth in a blanket of competitively-priced doom.

Dr Tom Logan said: "You don't get an exact translation from the original Aramaic, but we think the 'blue and white behemoth of death' has to be Tesco, which would suggest that the iPhone is probably the 'over-priced doo-da of Gadar'el with serious compatibility issues'.

According to Logan the key passage from the 'Testament of Midrash' reads:

Behold, for a year shall their voices be unheard
And their power drained daily, they know not wherefore.
Unto their faces shall be graven a thousand scratches
Yea, and the touch screen isn't all it's cracked up to be either.

Logan estimates that humanity has a little over a year before the planet is a scorched ball of sulphur strafed by screaming demons smeared in people's entrails.

He added: "By then, the new iPhone contracts will have run out and thousands of media tit-wits will be prepared to sell their souls to Tesco for an unlimited text message package.

"And if you don't think Tesco will demand such a sacrifice then you really haven't been paying attention."

But Tesco insisted their link up with Apple was not a bid to create 'the two-headed beast that will lay waste to the lands of Eshkabel' but warned that if they do not meet their sales target by February they will fill absolutely everything with snakes.