Tulip bulb mania returns to Europe

SAVERS in Britain, Germany and France are taking their funds out of the banking system and putting them into tulip bulbs.

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Discredited as an investment opportunity after they destroyed the Dutch economy in the 17th century, the bulbs are now seen as more secure assets than bank shares, government bonds, or limited-edition Star Wars Lego.

Analysts believe that the new outbreak of tulip mania is a bubble, but admit they are hard-pressed to recommend something that isn’t.

Economist Carolyn Shaw said: “Pork belly futures, blue-chip stock or default credit swaps; whatever, you’re giving your money to cocaine-crazed sharks who’ll keep the fucking lot.

“Also tulip bulbs do eventually turn into flowers, which is more than can be said for shares in Facebook.”

GP Stephen Malley said: “The £1.2 million I’d invested in the Spanish property market is now worth less than a second hand Speed Stick deodorant.

“Since the new tulip mania began, however, I’ve managed to secure a loan of £120,000 on the contents of my potting shed.”

Other investments including comics with shiny hologram covers, ‘limited edition’ yoghurts and the sought-after Peanut Butter Kit Kat Chunky are now thought to bring higher returns than high street banks, which rank the same as putting your money in a bottle, throwing it in the ocean and taking up deep-sea fishing.

However trading in the new Barclays EasyBulb scheme, launched to help ordinary investors get into the tulip market, has been suspended after numerous customers reported bulbs that looked and smelled suspiciously like onions.