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We assumed you knew we were selling your data, says Facebook

FACEBOOK assumed it was common knowledge that they sold users’ personal information to the highest bidder, Mark Zuckerberg has confirmed.

Reacting to the latest privacy scandal to hit the social network, Zuckerberg admitted he was surprised at the fuss, because he has been pretty clear all along that the main point of Facebook was to make him rich.

He said: “We have a metric fuck-ton of data about you, your hobbies, your beliefs, and your deepest, darkest secrets, all because you chose of your own free will to hand it over to a private company run by angry nerds.

“How else do you expect me to make money from Facebook? It’s basically this or blackmail.

“That’s actually a great idea. Someone write that down.”

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Are you an absolute wanker who worships Jacob Rees-Mogg?

DO YOU think ‘the Mogg’ is going to save us from the forces of EU-vil? Take our test and find out.

How would you get on with Jacob if you met him in person?

A. I suspect he has little interest in anyone outside his political clique.
B. As fellow brave Brexiteers we would have a lot of mutual respect! Jacob would have no problem with me being a dreary lower-middle-class bore and would invite me over for crumpets and a go on his horse.

Rees-Mogg uses the phrase “vassal state” to describe Britain’s relationship with the EU. What do you do?

A. Look it up and realise he is misleading people.
B. Immediately start saying “vassal state” 20 times a day, even in completely the wrong context, eg. “Stop nagging me to tidy the loft. I’m not your vassal state!”

Have you ever wondered if you might have an unhealthy obsession with Rees-Mogg?

A. No. He is a twat.
B. It is pure coincidence I have just bought a three-piece tweed suit and am seriously considering starting to wear a top hat to work.

What do you fantasise about?

A. Becoming rich, shagging Scarlett Johansson/Ryan Gosling, the usual predictable stuff.
B. Jacob is the captain of HMS Victory and I am his loyal manservant. Every day we have exciting battles with dirty Frenchmen then return to England for balls with charming young ladies, although we menfolk privately laugh at their silliness. At night I bring Admiral Rees-Mogg his cocoa and gently stroke his hair as he sleeps.

Mostly As. You do not worship Jacob Rees-Mogg. This will prove depressing because every newspaper and the sodding BBC cannot get enough of him.

Mostly Bs. You are weirdly into Jacob Rees-Mogg. But that’s fine because he’ll definitely be looking out for you when Brexit spectacularly fucks up.

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