We Will Never Judge You, Say Greggs
GREGGS the baker last night assured its customers it would never ever judge them.
As supermarkets across Britain attempted to intervene in every aspect of their customers' lives, Greggs said that not only would staff refrain from judgemental comments, it would make it as easy as possible for consumers to indulge their basest desires.
A spokesman said: "It is not our place to determine right from wrong, or express ill-informed opinions about your lifestyle choices. It is our place to come up with ever more convenient and sophisticated fat delivery mechanisms.
"We are currently working on a large plastic syringe, with a wide hole at the end, that can be filled from a stainless steel vat behind the counter.
"We will liquidise some doughnuts and sausages until they take on the consistency of Mr Whippy ice cream. You then simply fill up your syringe with this pinkish-brown goo and inject it directly into your face."
He added: "And will we 'tut-tut' whenever you ask for a refill? On the contrary, we think you're fabulous."
Meanwhile supermarket giant Sainsbury's said it would cut the number of judgemental comments made by staff on its cheese counters by a third.
A spokesman said: "Big, fat cheese fans can buy their weekly half ton without a barrage of grunting and oinking noises, while gay couples will no longer be subjected to readings from the book of Leviticus every time they ask for one of those Austrian smoked cheeses that comes in a long tube."
He added: "We will, however, continue to brow beat pregnant women who want some unpasteurised Camembert because, let's be honest, everyone's allowed to judge pregnant women aren't they?"