Will Chocolate Buttons Taste Like Shit? Asks Britain

19-01-10

FEARS were growing today that chocolate buttons are inevitably going to end up tasting like shit.

The Kraft cheese single: America in a bap

People across the UK have begun hoarding their favourite sweets after Mr and Mrs Cadbury, the owners of Cadbury's Lovely Olde Chocolatey Shoppe, were bought out by Kraft, the US-based fabricated cheese and industrial bleaching conglomerate.

Emma Bradford, a buttoneer from Stevenage, said: "I had some American chocolate once. It had a strange, gritty texture and a smell that reminded me very strongly of the time Bilbo, my dear old King Charles spaniel, shat all over my bed.

"If these ghastly Americans are going to start adding dog faeces to the chocolate button recipe then I'm probably going to stop buying them."

Martin Bishop, confectionery analyst at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: "The key thing to remember about American food is that it's not food. Much of it is made from oil-based plastics, volcanic sand and the run-off from copper mines.

"It will be interesting to see what happens when these elements are combined with a glass and a half of full cream milk."

Nutritionist Joanna Kramer said: "Kraft have a proud record of creating entirely new substances from a range of natural ingredients such as Welshman's foot sweat, monkey bum-grease and pheno-glyceryl tribenzoate.

"This then goes into a hot oven for 20 minutes and out pops something that they have the sheer brass nuts to attach the word 'cheese' to."

She added: "Take, for instance, the Kraft cheese single. Over the years it has been used to tile abattoirs and add a playful dash of colour to greyish-brown discs of highly-processed cat gristle.

"And if you place one on a slice of bread and put it under the grill, it develops this delightful skin, accompanied by lots of little beige blisters.

"I imagine it's what toasted cheese would look like if it had bubonic plague."

 

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