The Daily Mash - YOU ARE NO BETTER THAN A FRENCHMAN, MARKETS TELL BRITAIN

YOU ARE NO BETTER THAN A FRENCHMAN, MARKETS TELL BRITAIN

11-12-08

THE people of Britain may as well sit round all day leering at women and eating pigs' testicles, the international currency markets said last night.

A typical Yorkshireman

As the pound plunged to a record low against the Euro, currency dealers said Britain was now dangerously close to reeking of garlic and cigarettes, mixed with the faint odour of stale urine and mashed geese.

It was a humiliating blow for a country that only six months ago smelt of freshly cut grass, leather and walnut, damp spaniels and a recently discharged shotgun.

As thousands of people across Britain set fire to sheep, economists warned of disgusting poetry and a desire to introduce your best friend's 16 year-old daughter to the delights of perverted intercourse.

But they also stressed an upside to parity with the Euro, including getting drunk and not starting a fight, an ability to discuss philosophy without sounding like a ponce and much better cheese.

Wayne Hayes, a council worker from Reading, said: "I am zinking zis is not good, yes? Oh no, what is happening to my, ow you say, voice? Mon dieu, I cannot stop talking like zis. Haw hee haw hee haw."

Emma Bradford, a sales assistant from Bath, said: "Je is very much looking forward to eating beaucoup de chocolat and not getting fat. Perhaps je will also become ze naughty mistress of une high-ranking politician. C'est magnifique!"

Tom Logan, a solicitor from Lincoln, added: "Does zis mean je can prendre six heures pour le déjeuner et changer mon underpants deux times a year? Je suis over la lune."