Your Boss Is A Dick, Say Experts
YOUR boss is exploring the uncharted regions of dickishness, according to new research.
As executive pay rose by 55% while your’s absolutely did not, experts said that no matter how chummy your boss may try to be with you today, you must at no point forget that he is an absolute fucking dick.
To measure the extent of your boss’s dickishness the Institute for Studies has devised a simple, three-point checklist:
- He may say that business leaders need to be ‘properly motivated’ – dick.
- He may argue that there is a ‘highly competitive market for executive talent’ – dick.
- Or he may even claim that by paying himself so much he is ‘lighting a fire under your ambition’ – piece-of-shit bastard fucking dick.
Professor Henry Brubaker said: “There are two ways of dealing with this. You can either bite your tongue, keep your head down and let the bitterness and resentment poison your beautiful heart, or you can walk up to him, say ‘hi’ in a friendly, cheerful voice and then kick him as hard as you can right in the fucking nuts.
“All you need to do then is toss your security pass at the front desk and walk to the pub with your head held high, your conscience as clear as an Alpine stream and a magnificent spring in your now legendary step.
“And of course there is no possibility of you getting arrested because your colleagues should at least have the courage to tell the police they didn’t see a goddamn thing.
“You can then proceed to get riotously shitfaced without it costing you a penny because everyone in the world who is not a FUCKING DICK will be desperate to buy you the double of your choice – absolutely 100% cast-iron guaranteed.”
He added: “And as for mortgages and shit – heroes don’t care about money.”