Big Brother Contestants 'Will Not Be Flayed Alive'
MILLIONS of people across Britain were furious last night after it emerged this year's Celebrity Big Brother contestants will not beg Jesus for mercy as they are flayed alive over white-hot coals.
As the producers unveiled a Satanic theme for the show's final series, excited TV viewers looked forward to MC Hammer and Stephanie Beacham being slowly pulled apart by snarling packs of giant, three-headed wolves as their desperate screams were drowned out by the raucous laughter of Beelzebub and his army of child-eating goblins.
Tom Logan, from Finsbury Park, said: "I haven't actually watched it since 2002 when I wrote to Channel Four demanding they fill the house with molten lava and they wrote back saying no.
"So when the Satan theme was unveiled I immediately pressed the series link button on my Sky+ box in the hope of seeing some vapid cocksucker being turned inside out by a 20ft tall demon that has the body of a cow and the head of an alligator, while listening to a looped recording of Janet Street-Porter talking about herself."
He added: "I foolishly believed that Channel Four had been struck by a burning shaft of self-awareness and had concocted a deliciously cruel game whereby they would tempt the vain, avaricious and fame-hungry into their lair and then set about them in a manner that would make a CIA rendition centre seem like a long weekend at the Dorchester.
"But it turns out it's just a few scatter cushions and a bit of fancy wallpaper designed to generate some press coverage and one of those Allison Pearson columns in the Daily Mail that makes you want to set fire to everything in the world.
"If I ever get hold of the people who run Channel Four they will soon discover that hell is not other people, it's just me and my collection of novelty blowtorches."