BODYGUARDS POSITIONED OUTSIDE JOLIE'S VAGINA

ANGELINA Jolie is expected to give birth to twins within hours after bodyguards took up positions outside her vagina.

Hayes specialises in protecting celebrity vaginas

Jolie and partner Brad Pitt have hired former US Navy Seals to stand guard at her private area and ensure the superstar babies are not harassed by members of the medical team.

Retired colonel Wayne Hayes, said: "We do not want the medical staff attempting to talk to the babies, we don't want them approaching or trying to touch the babies.

"There will be no autographs or photos, and unless you have the very highest code-word clearance, you will not even be allowed to look at the babies.

"The cervix will not dilate until we have given the all-clear. At that point, Team B will move into position, essentially establishing a 'wall of force' between the target and any possible threats.

"Once we are satisfied that Ms Jolie's vaginal area is secure, we will then form a 'tunnel of protection' to transport the target out of the birthing suite and into a Dodge mini-van."

He added: "A clean-up squad will remain at the facility, securing all cameras and cell phones, placing them in a bag and shooting them."

The couple, who have a daughter named Shiloh, are expected to continue the American Civil War battle theme and have drawn up a short-list of names including Gettysburg, Manasas, Chattanooga and Fort Sumter.

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